Home

I have asked many of you what your definition of home is and what it means to you. There are many of you that I have not heard from. I would like to. You can either leave a comment here or email jessicaspaid@gmail.com or otherwise let me know :)


I have come to a conclusion. To find out what home means to someone is to find out about their heart. Their home is where their heart is most comfortable, satisfied, and longs to be. I would have to I received so many incredible answers to this question. I don't believe that any one answer can be better than another because that is to say that one person's heart is better. However, I would say that some of them moved me, my emotions, and even my view of home in such a way that it caused me to grow as a person. I think that is what is so beautiful about sharing things like this with each other.


I was pestering so many people with this question through Facebook chat. It wasn't until probably the fifteenth person that someone turned the question back on me. Then all of sudden I thought, "Oh my goodness! What do I think? I have been asking all these people and I don't even know what I think!" So I thought and thought and finally came up with an answer.


Home to me is where the heart is free. It is where you can express who you really are to the fullest extent. Its where it is okay to sing and dance and jump up and down and tell corny jokes and puns. It is where it is okay to sit with a mug on the porch and silently watch the horizon dance with the sun. Its where you all curl up in a king bed and watch TV. Its where your Moma sings Amazing Grace and rubs your back to help you go sleep. Its where your Daddy lets you sit on his lap and you can talk about life together. Its adventures into the woods just for the sake of spending time together. It's sleeping outside in your hammock and being checked on with hot chocolate mugs. It is sacrificial love; love that costs. It isn't a conditional thing. It is selfless and constant. It is where motivations are pure and unhindered. 


I also want to share a little bit about what I learned from my friends and family through already asking them this question. Almost everyone agreed that it wasn't necessarily a physical place. Everyone valued the ability to be themselves. Almost everyone based their definition of home on the presence of certain individuals, usually their family. Nearly everyone included and element of security. 
The element that stuck out each and every time was the ability to be oneself. Why is it that so many people place so much emphasis on this issue? Because to be oneself is to feel accepted and loved. Often the place where we can be most accepted and loved is home. We are surrounded by the people who know us best. They know our flaws. To love us despite this is an ultimate gift. Also when you are completely yourself, then you are allowing them to see and judge your very essence. To me, that is a very scary thought.  Nonetheless, it is a risk that I sometimes take.
Please send me your thoughts. I love you all and how you make me feel at home in many different ways.

Break me Lord until I am wholly Yours

This is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever written. It isn't one of those cutesy feel good posts that I normally write with a dash of humor swirled in. 

This past summer, as I was working in Houston, I had the opportunity to have some of those otherwise rare, deep theological conversations. You know those ones that actually edify you and make you think. The ones you always want to have more of but it never seems to happen. So, while working with these awesome Godly people, I had the courage to pray some rather big prayers. They might seem silly but they were a big step for me. To be able to keep this relatively concise I will just let you in on one of them. I prayed that I might grow in my spiritual walk. Sounds simple doesn't it. Then, I prayed for God to show me and take away what was holding me back. Now, if you believe that God will answer prayers and you still pray for God to reveal your deepest flaws, then that my friends is a rather scary proposition. For a while I was afraid to pray that prayer because I kind of had this "ignorance is bliss" mentality where everyone just said flowery sweet things about each other and then we went away happy and feeling great about ourselves. Now, don't get me wrong that is wonderful, but its only skin deep. 

My prayer somewhat moved to the back of mind. I still wanted it but I wasn't actively thinking about it as I was when I fervently prayed for it. Then, God kept bringing up thoughts and contemplations about pride. What it meant to be prideful and how it could affect your life. These thoughts almost always coincided with thoughts about wisdom.  So I have been rolling this around in my mind for three to four months now. Lately it has been bugging me so much, I mean I am not that prideful. What did I honestly have to be prideful about? So it has been showing up in my journal and in my prayers like what are you talking about God? So then I remember probably a week ago, I finally was like heck with it, I have problems. I began praying Okay God, I get it. I have pride issues. Now, what do I do about it? 

I love God. He doesn't answer prayers the way you think its going to happen. He didn't answer me at all for over a week. I was getting bugged again. Then, pretty much out of the blue I was talking to one of my friends and they brought up this idea that someone had said to them. They were saying that you don't have brag about yourself. You can just know what you are about and it doesn't matter if other people do. It's not like you have to go around promoting yourself. I honestly was blown away because this was coming from probably one of the most humble people I know.  I finally got an answered prayer to how this could work literally in my life. I had a practical application. 

So, as I am often a learning by doing person, thus I had the Saturday that I had this past weekend. I decided on Saturday that I wanted to bake some brownies. I was going to take them to watch the football game later that evening. So, having never baked brownies on my own before, I found a recipe that sounded pretty good. I wasn't that worried, I wing recipes all the time and they turn out great. I mixed it all together. I filled up my pans and stuck them in the oven. I licked the batter bowl, of course, and that tasted great so I could just see how the people at the football party were going to love them. I set the timer and went back to my room. I was jamming to some NEEDTOBREATHE and I sniff the air. Something doesn't smell right. I go to the kitchen and open the oven. Out pours smoke and burnt sugar smells. My brownies had practically exploded and were burning on the sides and floor of the oven. So I take them out and turn the oven off. I opened the door and turned on the fan. I couldn't bear to look at the failure so I went back to my room thinking I would just deal with it once the oven cooled off. I came back later and began to clean up the disaster and I don't know how this next part happened but in trying to clean out the sticky goop I touched the heating coil and it was cool. So I go to grab it to pull it out so it wouldn't be in my way and I burn my hand. I decided that it would be a better idea just to let the remaining bits burn up and then I would just sweep them out. This brilliant plan set off the smoke alarm. It was just too much. I was ready to burst into tears. So I just sat on my couch and wondered how I got into this mess. I realized it was my foolish pride that I could cook anything I wanted to without really planning too much. I sat there thinking back to what my friend had told me the day before. I had told people that I was a good cook. I had promoted that thought about me in their mind. I wasn't very humble. So, I showed up to watch the ballgame empty handed, having to explain the kitchen catastrophe that had happened. 

I realized that day, and I hope to never forget, that cooking is like farming. You can mix everything together and put everything in the oven or the ground. But, if God doesn't bless the harvest or the food then you have nothing. It is silly and and downright stupid really to have any amount of pride over what may or may not happen. Any achievement I have ever had in the past is due to my Jesus. I don't know what will happen in the future. Thus I have a desperate and unquenchable need for my Savior.  I have begun reading Proverbs and I marvel at this verse. 

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7 TNIV

I Need Floaties

Jump into this moment with me. 
I was five or six years old. Light blond hair , blue eyes, and arms and legs too long to know what to do with. We were at a water park in Augusta, Georgia. I didn't know how to swim. I looked at the shiny, blue water aromatic with chlorine. The smell was just short of burning my eyes and nose. My daddy stood beside me all hulking six foot three of him and we were about to go in the water. I could drown; my long lanky arms and legs didn't understand how to move in a coordinated way to keep my curly head above the water. So, my daddy took my hand and we stepped down into the slow moving lazy river. The water tried to sweep me away but my daddy held onto me. Over the next hour my daddy held me at just the right height to teach me how to swim. I didn't learn how to swim perfectly that day, but I will always remember the moment when I stopped panicking at the thought of sinking because I knew that my daddy was not going to let me drown. I might go underwater but that was okay, I wasn't going to drown. 
Fast forward another seven or eight years. I am a very opinionated preteen. We were at the lake. My family had just upgraded from a bass fishing boat to a fish and ski boat.

 We went from something like this above to something like this below.

 Anyways, we had attached our tube to the back like we always did when we went to the lake. This time we had a bigger boat. It was stronger and faster. I had semi-mastered tubing on the bass boat. I stood on the back of the boat apprehensive as we hauled in my grinning daredevil younger sister. It was my turn. I had to get on the tube. So, I eased my weight on to the shifting and unstable thing. Why was I still scared? I had done this hundreds of times. I knew how to swim. You see, I had a lot of pride - a competitive streak that needed to be humbled. So there I was. I was perched on the tube with my knees on the sides and my hands hanging on for dear life. We hadn't even started moving. Then, my dad eased into motion careful not jerk the rope. We were moving along at a steady pace just skimming the top of the glassy warm water. We were going faster than I had ever tubed before but I had everything under control. So I decided that it was the time to move on to the moment of glory. I was going to stand up on the moving tube. My sister had done it with ease after seeing the older teenagers show off earlier in the day. So I put one foot on the side then the other. Now I only had to stand up. But to stand up I had to let go. There wasn't anything cool in standing but bent over. So I gradually let go. But since there are shores to any body of water, the boat eventually had to turn. Still marveling at my feat I did not expect this change in trajectory. I fell off in quite the ungraceful way. I was plunged into the colder water beneath the warm surface and panicking I fought the water. I couldn't get to the surface fast enough. One thing that impeded this process was my flailing. The thing is, I had on a life jacket. Once I let go of fighting the fact I was under the water, it quickly served its purpose and bounced me back to the surface. I came up blubbering and spitting out water because my mouth was open from screaming. When the boat circled around to pick me up, I declared that I was done for the day. No more tubing for me. That was embarrassing! Thankfully my family gave me a pep talk saying that yes, I was safest in the boat, but I was safe out on the water too. I had a life jacket on. I would not achieve any form of glory sitting in the boat. It was when I had the courage out of the water to do some trick that I ever brought any glory. So, what if I failed, I had my life jacket to trust in so that I could stand up again. 
Last week, it hit me how this is a fantastic metaphor. Yes we can sit in the comfortable boat of life thinking how wonderful life jackets are, but how much do we trust them and believe in them if we don't have the courage to allow them to take care of us. Jesus is our life jacket. We can praise him from our comfort zone and maybe that will lead some others to him. 
When we have the courage to risk it all to glorify Him because we know that we are His that is what really catches peoples attention. 
If you get out of the boat in order to bring glory but you don't have a life jacket, then you are going to bring a lot of notice to yourself but when you will fall nothing can help you but yourself and that will only get you so far. I know that I will always need Jesus to be my floaties if I am ever to survive this thing called life. I also know that I will have to trust him to carry me instead of trying to do everything on my own. 
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 TNIV

The Bread of Life

I have been wondering lately what the purpose of it all was. I mean seriously. I am kind of like almost an adult. This year I leave my teenage years. Soon, I will have a big fat 2 to start off my age. You would think that I might have a clue what in the world is going on. But I don't. In fact everyday confirms this fact even more. What is even scarier than all of that is the question "what am I doing with my life?" I want my life to mean something. I don't want to waste it. So how at nearly twenty can I make these huge decisions? The thought makes me cringe inside.
I am an agriculture major. I study farming, not farmers. haha. In this male dominated field what am I going to do? I love to grow plants and it does give me an inexplicable joy to have and learn about plants. However, is that really what I want to do with my life? I don't want to be a traditional, tractor-driving farmer. The thought of owning my own business is rather scary. Working in a greenhouse seems so limiting. I definitely know that I don't belong in a science lab. So, what can I do? I want to be with the people. That is what I love: people. I love plants but they don't get me hyped up the way that being with people and building community and making relationships do. Since I don't know how to major in building community I will major in the most common community institution of the world: agriculture.
Today I listened to possibly the powerful speaker, I have ever heard. She didn't a powerfully resonating and clear voice. She actually admitted succumbing to allergies. She didn't have an imposing presence. She was probably right around five feet tall. She at one point lost her place in her paper and shuffled her papers around until she found it. From all the public speaking training I have had over the years, (probably more training than is actually utilized) it would seem like this was an easily dismissed speech. Au contraire! Every person in the packed auditorium was glued to her every word - some 600 people or so. There was something about the way she told her stories. She most definitely had a passion to her speaking. She believed in what she was saying. She also made me believe what she was saying without asking me to trust her. She also told of impressive stories with such ease without bragging but just to say this is what happened.
So who was she? Her name is Dr. Jo Luck. She is the former President and CEO of Heifer International. In case you haven't heard of Heifer Int. then the short of it is that it is the largest philanthropic organization in the world - by means of the number of people it helps. The organization is one where they go into communities worldwide and transform them into self-supporting communities through agricultural development. They help the community to practice better and more sustainable agriculture practices. The community members are able to increase their income for their families. Dr. Luck said that the first thing that people do, almost all of the time, when they have an increased income is to educate their children. The organization goes on to promote many other ideals such as gender equity, animal welfare, and accountability. It was really cool to see how they were able to promote communities so ridden with poverty and despair to stations where they had hope and dignity. They work very closely with the women of the community because they are often the cornerstones in the community with raising the family and often do much of the agricultural work. Dr. Luck said that she always tells the women that she comes in contact with "You do not have to disrespect your husband, your family or your culture to achieve your dreams." How is that for empowering women without disempowering men!
Dr. Luck would refer offhand about her close contact with President Clinton and his family. She is from Arkansas. She was also appointed by President Obama to serve as and adviser in International Development with respect to agriculture. She did not tell us these things to impress us. She was just telling us about her life as she had been asked as the lecturer for the annual and prestigious D.W. Brooks Conference.
She made me absolutely reinspired to work in international agricultural development. I have no idea what that will look like and whether or not it would be full time or not. However, I was thinking how awesome it would be to give such core values to people around the world. The most important thing to give would be life. They would not have to be hungry. However, to feed men is a very noble thing. I respect Heifer International very much and I may have occasion to work with them in the future. However, to give man life for today is great. But to give him Life for all of eternity, now THAT is something that lasts. To combine this agricultural development with the Good News of Christ, THAT would really change the world.