Glory, Glory

Last weekend was an equally exciting and disappointing weekend for me. How is that possible you ask? You would understand if you were a fan of Georgia sports. As a lifelong, die-hard Georgia Bulldawg fan, I have experienced this sensation many times.

If your blood runs red and black, if the battle hymn can bring tears to your eyes,  if you cheer as loud as possible every time you see a clip of Herschel Walker running over Bill Bates, if you try to insert Go Dawgs into every conversation, if you know that orange is a terrible terrible color, if you understand that there is no tradition more worthy of envy no institution worthy of such loyalty, if more than half of your closet is red or black, if you you are not ashamed to bark like a dog in public, if you get chills every time you hear Kryton and immediately hold four fingers in the air,  then you know what I am talking about.

I have never not been a Bulldawg fan. My father went to UGA. (My aunt went too.) He then upon graduation went to work for UGA as an Agriculture Extension Agent through the Cooperative Extension Service. Through his work, he was able to get season tickets for which I have always been exceedingly grateful. My mother an avid sports fan, possibly an even greater fan than my father, was happy to join him. When I came along, it was only natural that I would join them in this weekly autumnal pilgrimage to watch Georgia football. 

When I was in high school, I briefly and not very seriously entertained the thought of going to other universities. I always ended up saying but it's not Georgia, it's not Athens. So I decided that the only logical choice was Georgia. It was the only school I applied to. I honestly had no backup plan. I never entertained the thought that I wouldn't get in. I have not been more confident of many things than that of my plan to go to the University of Georgia. As it turned out, UGA wanted me; perhaps there was no way they could have matched my desire of my attendance, but they wanted me. I decided that I wanted to study agriculture but I had chosen UGA long before I chose one of the school's premier colleges. It just so happened that I was attending one of the top agriculture schools in the world. Going to UGA was one of the best experiences in my life. I loved my professors and courses, the extra-curricular activities and I loved the sports. It didn't matter to me that UGA was "rebuilding" for most of my time there. They were the bar none best school in the world. I never missed a football game. To this day, I have attended at least one UGA game every season of my life. I have been to high stakes games and the blood money games where they pay off some poor school and run them in the ground. I have been there from 30 degrees to 100 degrees, games where I thought I would get a heat stroke and some have rained so much I thought I was back in the Amazon. 

Which brings me to the picture above and last weekend. Hurricane Joaquin was rendezvousing with an weather front and together they dumped a whole lot of rain on the Carolinas and pretty fair amount in Athens, GA as well. That did not deter me from participating in one of my favorite pastimes. I had my knee-high waterproof boots, my rain jacket, and a heavy duty poncho to protect me. It rained the entire game but I was psyched nearly out of my mind. I jumped up and down. I danced. I screamed every cheer at the top of my lungs to the point I would begin to feel lightheaded from forgetting to breathe. Now ultimately Georgia lost the game humiliating horribly but I never stopped cheering. I never stopped caring. By golly I was going to FINISH THE DRILL! It was an incredible experience. Now yes  I wish we had won but I am not about to let that diminish how wonderful it felt to be one with the other ninety plus thousand fans present in our solidarity for the Georgia Bulldawgs. 

But I have to ask myself a question that has been running through my mind all week. When have I ever felt so passionate about God that I forgot to breathe? When have I ever felt an intense emotional swell that I was brought to tears by a song about God? When have I ever laid caution to the wind and pushed through the rain, the heat, the cold, the exhaustion without complaint to carry the message of God like I will do in order to see my precious Bulldawgs play? When have I ever felt so free in my expression of worship of God as I do when I am cheering on the Bulldawgs? When have I meant Glory to God more than I mean Glory, Glory to ole Georgia?

You know if we are being honest, I am going to have to tell you that I don't think that has ever happened. 

Living the Pot Life

One of my favorite things about the Bible is all of the agriculture based analogies and parables. I grew up on a farm, studied agriculture at the University of Georgia and now get to work with farmers on a daily basis for my job. All of this exposure has created a love and understanding for the things that God has created and uses to feed us. I love when he also uses such basic things as plants to show truths about his character.
I see more and more people taking up urban gardening and caring for houseplants. This means that plants are being confined to pots as their homes. There really isn't anything wrong with that. I myself have many potted plants. The only thing is plants that are grown in pots grow differently than plants in the ground.
One of the main differences is the roots. Roots are plants way of gathering nutrients. The soil is their grocery store and they need well established roots to get the food and water they need. In the ground, especially when benevolent humans (or animals) do not fertilize them, they need to grow expansive root systems so that when the droughts come or the nutrients run out on the surface they are able to reach down deep and gather what they need.
Potted plants do not have this ability, they are contained by the walls of their container. They are completely reliant on their owners to come water and fertilize them. Their space limitations do not stop their root growth though. Many times when the roots reach the edge of the pot, they are like goldfish in a bowl. They just bounce off the edge and head in another direction. Often this leads to roots going in circles in their pots. Soon the roots that were supposed to be fanning out in all directions were they planted in the ground are displacing all of the life giving soil and nutrients in their pots. This will cause the plants above ground growth to slow down and can even lead to plant decline and death. So the gardeners will take the plant out of the pot cut the roots back and put it in a pot with new soil. A plant can only recover from this treatment so many times before it will start to decline.
I think people can be like this. Many people have a tendency to live in pots. They feel safe. All of our needs are met (so we think) but we aren't living up to our fullest potential either. We don't set down roots in one location. We are always looking for the next thing. We keep cutting our roots and moving to a new pot. Or we keep sitting in one location and letting our roots grow in circles when we could fully commit to the notion that home is where our feet are and truly grow the way we were meant to grow. Live like you are planted in the ground even if you don't know if it is a permanent location. Grow your roots as deep and wide where you are currently planted as if this is your permanent spot. This kind of growth will produce more fruit and better fruit that will not only benefit you but also the community you are planted in.
It might be scary outside of the pot. We will have to trust that our needs will be met and look toward the Sun to receive that life giving Light that will meet all our needs according to His riches and glory.

What Kind of Christian Do You Think I Am?!?

Whenever I am going through a hard time, I have my list of people that I can call to help me figure out what is going on. I of course call my mom and my dad, my sister too. I have my friends, church elders and the pastor and his wife. This is not an exclusive list. To be honest, if I am desperate enough, I would probably get the opinion of just about anyone. I am known to be a friendly person. In fact, when I was in eighth grade, I was voted Most Likely to Make a Friend While Standing in Line. It's true. As the years have passed since I was in eighth grade, I have learned a little bit about keeping my mouth shut. The operative phrase being "a little bit."
I still have a problem though with going to my friends for advice. Now, you might be thinking, what's wrong with asking for advice? Doesn't the Bible say "the wise listen to advice"? (Proverbs 12:15) Well, yes, it does. But who are you asking? Are they Christians? Because if they aren't then they don't have the same operating guidelines that you do. Even at that, Christians are still people. They make mistakes. Even as much as we may try to keep that part of our lives covered up, we are not perfect. Not even close.

Fortunately, whenever I ask my family or friends for advice, I most often get one or both of these responses: "Have you prayed about it?" or "Have you read what the Bible says about that?"
I might respond with "well yeah of course." But in my head I am screaming "WHAT KIND OF CHRISTIAN DO YOU THINK I AM?" How could they insinuate that I am anything but diligent in my Christian tasks? I am offended. My pride has taken a hit. What really going on is that I feel convicted. I really haven't been praying about it. I really haven't been reading my Bible. It's infuriating that I get this cookie cutter Sunday School response. But after a moment the truth settles in. My life may not be perfect when I am reading my Bible or praying all the time, but it sure is a lot more peaceful. There is a better perspective on things that minimizes worries and doubts.
This is because all of the answers that you would ever need are already here. They are written down in His Holy Word. He is a confidante in our prayers. He can be that source of peace, joy, and love that we are all looking for in all the wrong places.

At the end of the day, I am happy I am offended. I am happy to be convicted of where I am lacking. It is a testament of my true existence as a child of God. If I weren't bothered by their questions, then it would indicate a lack of care for the things of God. My friends aren't saying that I am being punished for my lack of obedience. They are just reminding me that I already have access to the answers I seek. This is what good Christian friends should be doing. This is not to say that advice from our friends should not be valued, rather we should make sure it is ranked with the proper importance.
Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves a son or a daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.  Matthew 10:37-39

Run Like the Wind

I would consider myself to be a dreamer in almost every sense of the word. Daydreams, night dreams, and life dreams are all something I greatly value and frequently experience. I have heard many times that a person's dreams reveal their innermost thoughts. Others have said that dreams are a time for problem solving. There are many other views on the topic.

I am not sure what I believe, but I do know that often mine make for very entertaining stories to my friends. Out of the nighttime dreams that I remember, I would venture to say that eighty percent of them (after all 96.238% of statistics are made up) are dreams where I am running frantically away from something. I have been chased by grizzly bears, angry mobs and most frequently by policemen. I don't really understand the last part since I have never done anything to warrant such a chase. The dreams always start when I am already running. The peril had already sank its teeth into my mind and I am running way better than I can in real life. This brings up another note; I am a particularly terrible runner.

I say all of this to explain my dream from last night. As the story opened, I was at the starting line of a race. I didn't know what kind of race or where it went, but I was struck with the overwhelming nausea that always preludes me when I undertake any kind of physical competition. The starting gun goes off figuratively and I take off to the first room of the race. I have to solve puzzles and I get through the first few okay but I know I am losing. I look around for an exit. I want to quit but just as I decide I am done, a girl comes up beside me and starts helping me. We  go through room after room of puzzles which are connected by lab rat esque maze. Sometimes there are arrows directly out side of the door that point to the next direction and other times I had to run a little ways before I saw the confirmation of the next sign's arrow. The girl never told me her name, I somehow just knew it was Jessica which is my name. She didn't look like any other Jessica I know and she didn't really look like me either. I just knew that was her name.

At some point, we finish the maze and Jessica tells me we have to swim in the river for the next part. It was a pretty normal sized river. It was that awkward depth where you don't know if it is faster to swim or walk through it. I am not a great swimmer but I am better at it than running. I swam with all my might and the river fluctuated depths and currents. At some points, I had to haul my soggy self to my feet and try to not fall down as I navigate the pebbly bottom as fast as I could. I still didn't know how I came to be in this race or why I even cared to try my best in it. It was until I got to the place where we had to get out of the river that I saw anyone else. There was a pair of young men who were just finishing a puzzle on the riverbank. I had watched them as best I could and tried to mimic their success. Soon, Jessica and I were off to a never ending sprint down a dirt road in a forest. I had felt so successful but not really challenged during the swimming portion but I felt as if all of that pent up struggle hit me all at one time on that desolate, slightly curving road. I began to whine to Jessica. "I can't do this any longer!" "Being alone in the maze was easier than this!"

It was then that she dragged my hand and pulled me onward like a husky might pull a sled. We reached the next portion of river and I was happy to take a cannonball into the flowing water. We swam and ran through varying parts of the track. The guys were always right there. The further we went the more you could tell one was the helper and one was the racer, but I got the feeling that they had been partners for longer than  my helper had been with me. It was an oddly inspiring thought. Finally we broke through the forest and the hum of a distant crowd became apparent. I knew this was not a time to slow down though I felt like I deserved it. Soon, I saw a great fence and little gate. The crowd and excitement were coming from inside the fence. All of a sudden we were upon the gate and all four of us rushed through at the same time. The race was over and I felt like I had won. It was an intensely wonderful feeling. My dream ended here.

As I was drifting in and out of consciousness pondering the dream as the morning light peeked through the slats of my window blinds, I was struck with potential allegory of the dream. I remembered that this was the first dream where I was running toward something and not away. I knew that I could not bear to forget this dream. I hazily typed it into my phone and vowed to add it to my blog later. Now, that I have had more time to think about all the possible meanings of the dream, I cannot remove myself from thinking it as a metaphor for life.

The Bible tells us that we are to run our lives as if it is a race in Philippians 3.

12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

17 Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body,by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.

Now, I will not get into the discussion about whether my helper Jessica was God and the business her being female, whether she was an angel or whether she is a discipler in my life. I will draw the line to exclude those ponderings. A few things do stick out. 

I couldn't run the race on my own.

I can learn and benefit from fellow racers. 

There will be times that I am more suited for than others but each must be completed to attain the end goal. 

There is a great sense of urgency in completing the race. 

However, the thought that shines the most brightly is that the race is worth the struggle. 

Rolling in the Deep

My outlook and life plan looked very different in April 2012. I was ecstatic about a summer internship in the jungles of Ecuador where I would learn about traditional agriculture in tropical conditions. I was going to perfect my Spanish and as soon as I got home I was going to sign up for the Journeyman program through the International Mission Board. It was going to be awesome. Plans I had dreamed about for years were finally falling into place. I just knew my life was going to be awesome. I was going to be that cool missionary that visited the churches back with all the stories about miracles and big faith delivered moments.
Then, I left for Ecuador. I was miserable. I was deathly sick. I was allergic to mosquitoes. But that wasn't even the worst part. It might seem crazy but the worst part was all the wonderful people I met. Now, hear me out. I love those people and I still talk to them pretty often via Facebook..
The reason it was so awful was that these people were not your hardcore, drug addicted, crime spree sinners. These were people that were normal, compassionate people. The only thing was they weren't Christians. My world was completely rocked.
This is because as hard as it is to admit, I believed that the reason to become a Christian is so that you become a better person. Christianity makes people do life better. You do good things to make God happy. To a larger extent than I care to admit, I was a Christian because I was afraid of going to hell. I had arrived at "good" status because of my faith. That was what I thought.
But these people were good and they didn't have Jesus. So, how could I tell them they needed Jesus. Their lives didn't really reflect that chasm of need for a Savior. How did I react? I got really really really depressed. I questioned my faith. Was God even real? Was this something I had made up in my mind to explain the things I didn't understand? Did God even care what went on in my life?
How could I become a missionary if I wasn't even sure where I stood with God? Was there even a need for missionaries? Did God really need me? Did He even want me? If He wanted/loved/needed me then how could I know what He wanted from me/for me?
This uncertainty was paralyzing. I came home from Ecuador wrecked emotionally and spiritually. I seriously contemplated taking  my life because once saved always saved right? John 10:29, I said.
I went back to college in August for my senior. The fact that I had no life plan was excruciating for a left brain person like myself. I was floating along all accidental like on breeze as Forrest Gump would say. I was terrified of moving back home with my parents after college. (I eventually did and it wasn't that bad.)
Luckily I had a lot of great people that gave me free therapy and counseling. It took a while to deprogram and realize that no body is good enough to not need Jesus. There is nothing you can do that will get you to heaven. I can tell people about Jesus because I am broken too. Not to quote High School Musical but we're all in this together everyone. Now the song is stuck in your head.
When I finally internalized this, I experienced such freedom. I wasn't ready to move on to the next step for my life until the middle of this past October. I had been healing and fortifying myself for those eighteen months.
Wouldn't you know something though.October 23. About a week after I said okay God let's do this, I don't know what "this" is but I am ready now. (He knew I was ready, but He was waiting my hard head to get it)
October 23. I get a phone call and an email asking me to interview for this position the next day. I said sure why not tomorrow is Bold Thursday after all. So, I took the interview. I got the job. I moved ten days later to Nashville, Tennessee - a town I had never been to before. I didn't have a home, I didn't know anyone there. I just showed up and all of the blessings that rained down since then deserve their own blog.

 But let me tell you this. God has made it very evident that He loves me. He needs me. He wants me. He is real. He cares. I am supposed to be where I am at right now. 

Trials are Good?!?

In recent months, I haven't written anything on my blog though much has happened in my life. I haven't felt the joy that I thought was necessary to write under the title "A Joyful Heart."

Last night I heard a sermon that really spoke to me and I hope that it can help you too. Here are my notes from the sermon with my own thoughts mixed in:

WHY DO WE HAVE TRIALS?

•  Trials test the strength of our faith.
•  2 Chronicles 32:31b God left him and to know everything that was in his heart. 
• This is a piece of scripture where Hezekiah was king over Israel and was very rich and successful. The Lord left Hezekiah in order to test him and know everything that was in Hezekiah's heart. This seems strange because we know that God is omniscient so this must be to prove to Hezekiah his own strength of faith. In this same passage, start back at verse 24 you read where Hezekiah was very proud and became ill. Because of his pride, God chose not to help him and waited until Hezekiah repented to heal Hezekiah. The Lord then blessed Hezekiah greatly in verses 26-30. So then in verse 31, representatives of Babylon come to Israel to ask about the success. At the end of verse 31, it says where God leaves him and tests him. But it doesn't say Hezekiah's response, but apparently he did alright because it goes right in to talking how he was buried with honor among his ancestors. 
• Habukuk 3:17-19 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of the deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. 
• These three verses are at the end of Habukuk's prayer that can be found in chapter three. The whole prayer is just really, really sad. He talks about the nation being invading, his health is starting to fail, and he is waiting for the Lord to come through for him. He describes a situation where only the Lord can deliver. Then, he goes into detail about how bad their situation is. They have no food today and they will not have any food tomorrow if something doesn't change. But he chooses to praise God. Habukuk passes the test as well because he chooses to trust the Lord despite his trials. He could have despaired and rolled around in the dirt and focused on his problems but that wouldn't have changed his circumstances. It was that chancing trusting the Lord to have it under control (it is really more of a guarantee but sometimes to our humanly minds it seems chancy) that afforded Habukuk true joy.
• Psalm 13 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, "I have overcome," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me. 
• I find myself returning to this passage over and over because I feel it describes my feelings very accurately when I am feeling down. I also really like it because it says why David is praising God whereas other passages feel rather ambiguous as to what they are praising. David says he is rejoicing for his salvation and his blessings. I think many times I take seemingly basic regular life things out of the blessing box and move them over to the entitlement box. I think I deserve things I have. I don't deserve to have those things taken away. So no matter how hard it gets, I can still praise God for his salvation and  for the breath in my lungs. 
• Trials humble us. 
• 2 Corinthians 12:7b Therefore, in order to keep me from being conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh. 
• In chapter 11 Paul has described all of the reasons why he had the right to minister to people. He has many qualifications that certify him. He has every right to brag it would seem by humanly standards but he realizes that if he brags he will not be pointing people to Jesus but will only be gathering people to himself. This makes me ask myself would I truly be okay if everyone remembered what I said and drew closer to God because of it yet couldn't remember a thing about me? The Sunday School answer should be no but is it really? 
• So, Paul had a thorn in his flesh that is always bringing him back to the realization of his weakness. 
• "When we are at our weakest, He is at His strongest."
• 2 Corinthians 12: 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 
• Trials wean us from worldly things
• John 6: 7  Philip answered him, "It would take almost a year's wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!"
• If the disciples had had enough money or resources to provide for all of the people gathered when Jesus fed the five-thousand, then they would have missed on one of the greatest displays of God's glory and providence. In verse 5 Jesus asks how are they going to provide for the people. This is another case where Jesus already knows the answer but asks the question so that his disciples can show where their heart is and if they trust Jesus to provide for them. 
• After going through trials and being delivered and taken care of by God, we will develop a habit and lifestyle of depending on Him and not depending on temporal worldly things to make things happen. 
• Trials lead us to eternal hope.
• Romans 8: 37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord. 
• When we go through trials on this earth and the Lord delivers us through our trials, the gratefulness that we develop gives us a hope for how awesome eternity is going to be living with the God who loves us. 
• "Trials give us an affection for the eternal."
• When we are thinking long-term and big-picture, it makes short-term trials bearable. 
• Trials reveal what we truly love.
• Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes even life itself - such a person cannot be my disciple." 
• In Matthew 22:37-39 the Bible says the second greatest command is to love your neighbor as yourself. However, the first greatest command is to love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. I think the intensity of love that is expected for God is so much higher that the love that we are to have for one another must seem like hate as it pales in comparison. 
• Whatever we put first in our lives, we love the most. Our priorities will be revealed when we are forced to make choices. We wade into very dangerous territory when that first billing spot is not God. 
• "If anything is dearer to us than God then He must remove it for us to grow spritually."
• Trials teach us to value God's blessing.
• Psalm 63:3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. 
•  2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 
• We know that trials will not last forever. So that means that we will at some point reach a mountaintop experience again. How many times have you heard someone who traveled to a third world country on a mission trip say that seeing how the people they went to serve taught them to value all of the things they had taken for granted? Countless. It is so much easier to think we are responsible for our success when our successes come right after the other. When we have little reminders along and along that all things are gifts from above (James 1:17) it is easier to keep the proper perspective. 
• Trials enable us to help others when they are suffering. 
• Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet he did not sin.
• How many times have you heard a teenager whether in a movie or real life yell? YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL!!!! I know I certainly hurled that insult at my mother plenty of times. What I am learning is that my mother has indeed experienced much of what I have gone through and there are other things that she hasn't but she is compassionate toward. But having dealt with a lot of depression, it means so much more to sit down with someone who has dealt with the same kind of mental and emotional agony. Having both of my parents and them still being married to one another, I can listen and sympathize with someone who has lost their parent or gone through a divorce, but I wouldn't be able to truly and honestly say I understand or I know where you are coming from. I wouldn't. 
• Recently I was on a mission trip and in getting to know each of my fellow missionaries, I became friends and learned about their lives. One night I got to talking and found out one of my new friends was going through a lot of the same things I was going through. We talked about how the depression affected our lives and there was somewhat of a salve to the soul for me to know that I wasn't alone. On the last night of the trip, the whole team went around and talked about the things we had been struggling with and were trying to get rid of in our lives. When it was my turn, I talked about the battle against my mind and the negative thoughts dwelling there. After I finished speaking, the team prayed for me; it was so encouraging for me that they cared so much. As I am on the verge of tears and am  looking down at the two people holding my hands seemingly for dear life, I hear, "Crap, if Jessica can do it, I guess I can do it." They went on to talk for the first time about their struggles as well. We all prayed for a transformation of mind for our teammate. The bonding that happened among our team was tangible and I was happy to be friends with these amazing people. Over the last week, I have been hearing reports of how God has answered our prayers. I do not presume myself to have any responsibility for the transformations God is making. I simply count it as a blessing to be able to have a front row seat to his hand at work. It meant so much to me to see that all of the things that I questioned and railed about for so long possibly being worth something. If I could reach out to someone and encourage and empathize with them, then it will all be worth it the end. It doesn't lessen the severity of the pain, it just raises my pain tolerance. 
• Trials produce endurance and strength. 
• James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you might be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
• Each time we are stretched to our limits and then some, we are better able to handle the next situation. When we wait in a really long line or put up with a really annoying person without reacting, we can think back the next time "well at least it isn't as bad as that one time. I can do this." Everyone has heard the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I would agree with that on most occasions. 
• Being a plant science major, I find many metaphors within the Plant Kingdom. One that feels particularly relevant for this point is one from a study by Columbia University. They built a biodome and created a synthetic environment within it. Among their many discoveries, they found out just how important wind is for plants. In the synthetic environment, the rapidly rapidly shot up. However, they often fell over before they were mature enough to produce fruit. So basically the plants had a perfect life with everything provided for them and without any troublesome winds to toss them around. However, they were not able to produce any fruit. These plants were not able to fulfill their purpose in the absence of wind. 

I think this is what trials afford us. They knock us around a little bit but they give us sticking power. We can stick around and produce fruit. We will have the endurance and strength to stay the course. But if we have gathered all the other benefits such as empathy, gratefulness, putting God first, looking at the big picture, trusting in God alone, humility and ultimately a strong faith, then will be able to take anything that the devil might throw at us and be able to conquer any calling God puts before us.

As much as it pains me now, trials are good.

Gut Clenching Faith

Last weekend when I was home, my mother and I were talking about how I would be graduating soon from my undergrad degree at college and the fact that I still have no plans for afterwards. I risked the question of what did she think would become of me when I was a little kid, in middle school, in high school, what did she think I would become now? She told me when I was a little kid she always thought I would be a zoologist of some sort due to my fascination with animals. In middle school, she thought maybe a veterinarian as I began to develop my love for helping other people. She said however after my first mission trip when I was fifteen, she always thought I would become an international missionary. She even went as far as to say, 
"You know, Jess, I wouldn't even be surprised if when you go on your mission trip to Nicaragua in June, if I got a phone call saying that you weren't coming back any time soon." 
I was shocked as all of the logistical problems with doing that rolled into my head faster than the blink of an eye. I told her there was no way I could do that. I wouldn't have enough clothes or be prepared. I didn't know anyone there and I had never been there before. There just wasn't any way that would be happening. She replied that I didn't need that much clothes and she could mail me what I needed. She had way more faith in me than I do that is for sure!
I was telling this to Brandt and Morgan (they are leading the trip to Nicaragua) yesterday and Brandt replies matter-of-factly, "Well, you could. Why not? No one is stopping you from buying a one way ticket." 
Seriously? I thought the possibility over in my head and was seized with a strong bout of nausea. The thought of having enough faith to not just buy a two-way ticket and possibly not use the return flight but to outright buy a one-way ticket is absolutely insane to me. I am sure there are wonderful people there and of course the Lord of Angel Armies goes with me to protect me but to jump out of that plane without a parachute was literally making me queasy. 

Of course, in Bible study today with my college group we would be studying about the faith of Abraham. The first verse we read was Hebrews 11:8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
Seriously? We read on about the story of how Abraham just picked up his life to move to a place he had neither gone nor knew how to get there. He didn't know the people. He didn't know the language. He didn't even know when he would get there. But, he did it anyway. Yes, he made some mistakes along the way like any human but he still did basically what seems so insane to me now that I have a modernized version on my hands. 
Do I know if that is what I am called to do? No, not yet. Will I have enough faith to act on it if I am? No, not yet.
But I am a work in progress and right now I will be honest and real with you guys. I still have a gut clenching feeling and eye bugging reaction whenever I think about buying a one way ticket to Nicaragua. 

Abraham had a gut clenching faith that is insanely real and crazy awesome.