Last weekend when I was home, my mother and I were talking about how I would be graduating soon from my undergrad degree at college and the fact that I still have no plans for afterwards. I risked the question of what did she think would become of me when I was a little kid, in middle school, in high school, what did she think I would become now? She told me when I was a little kid she always thought I would be a zoologist of some sort due to my fascination with animals. In middle school, she thought maybe a veterinarian as I began to develop my love for helping other people. She said however after my first mission trip when I was fifteen, she always thought I would become an international missionary. She even went as far as to say,
"You know, Jess, I wouldn't even be surprised if when you go on your mission trip to Nicaragua in June, if I got a phone call saying that you weren't coming back any time soon."
I was shocked as all of the logistical problems with doing that rolled into my head faster than the blink of an eye. I told her there was no way I could do that. I wouldn't have enough clothes or be prepared. I didn't know anyone there and I had never been there before. There just wasn't any way that would be happening. She replied that I didn't need that much clothes and she could mail me what I needed. She had way more faith in me than I do that is for sure!
I was telling this to Brandt and Morgan (they are leading the trip to Nicaragua) yesterday and Brandt replies matter-of-factly, "Well, you could. Why not? No one is stopping you from buying a one way ticket."
Seriously? I thought the possibility over in my head and was seized with a strong bout of nausea. The thought of having enough faith to not just buy a two-way ticket and possibly not use the return flight but to outright buy a one-way ticket is absolutely insane to me. I am sure there are wonderful people there and of course the Lord of Angel Armies goes with me to protect me but to jump out of that plane without a parachute was literally making me queasy.
Of course, in Bible study today with my college group we would be studying about the faith of Abraham. The first verse we read was Hebrews 11:8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
Seriously? We read on about the story of how Abraham just picked up his life to move to a place he had neither gone nor knew how to get there. He didn't know the people. He didn't know the language. He didn't even know when he would get there. But, he did it anyway. Yes, he made some mistakes along the way like any human but he still did basically what seems so insane to me now that I have a modernized version on my hands.
Do I know if that is what I am called to do? No, not yet. Will I have enough faith to act on it if I am? No, not yet.
But I am a work in progress and right now I will be honest and real with you guys. I still have a gut clenching feeling and eye bugging reaction whenever I think about buying a one way ticket to Nicaragua.
Abraham had a gut clenching faith that is insanely real and crazy awesome.
