Out of the Box, All on the Table

First I just want to say how excited I am about all that has happened since my last post. The big ticket item was my spring break trip to New York. It took a while for me to realize what I am going to write about while I was on the trip but I am glad for God's timing. But first, background story. I remember sitting in my campus minister's office back in January agonizing about what I should do for spring break missions. I absolutely love missions and would love to use every opportunity to do some kind of missions. All I knew was that I wanted to do some kind of missions over the week of Spring Break. The two options being offered by the Baptist Collegiate Ministries at UGA were to New York and New Orleans. I had gone to New Orleans last year and loved it. The easy-going city had a great comforting feel. I had loved the "Big Easy." It was a cheaper trip than the New York trip by a landslide. However, I felt as if I was taking the easy out in a way. I wasn't all that comfortable with going to New York either. I remember not being able to decide and Nathan said to me "Why not New York?" and without a reason in my head I decided to go.

However, the anxiety did not end there. I had felt out of place along the way. There was a little instance where I didn't have a jacket to take on the trip because the only heavy jacket I own was one that was handed down to me from my cousin. However, it is camouflage. (I have lost a lot of weight so I don't own that many clothes) So, as it turned out it wasn't too too cold in New York and I didn't ever need the jacket that was definitely not making the trip to New York City. Then, I remember sitting in preparation meeting for the trip and someone says "Hey, they are going to make fun of you for your accents and manners" and almost every eye in the room turns to me. As an aside, not one New Yorker ever made fun of my accent or manners. But this whole trend got brought up to me over and over again. I do want to say that I don't want to be a person that cannot laugh at themselves and people have to walk on eggshells around me. I do not want that at all. However, the thought was constantly brought to my attention. 

I really enjoyed many parts of the trip. There was even a part where for four or five hours I was in the city alone, by choice, exploring and navigating. I loved that possibly the second most. My favorite part was the kids I got to play with at the park. On the last day we were at our work site, we went to a park and were offering Capri Suns and granola bars to the kids and green tea to the moms. However, thirty people standing behind a table is no good, so I found a kid I had met earlier in the week and begin to play. We pretended we were surfing, playing baseball, being dinosaurs, fish, sharks and airplanes. It was outrageous. I knew I looked silly but the kids were having a blast. It turned into a Pied Piper sort of thing where the kids just kept following me which was hilarious when all the little dinosaurs attacked the big dinosaur. 

I was able to see many of the landmarks that are in New York. I was absolutely blown away by Times Square at  night. It was the first thing that I ever saw in the city and my mouth absolutely dropped open in wonderment. I have ADHD so you can just imagine the effect of so much stimulation at one time from the lights and screens and taxis and people. It was magical. We also got to meet so many New Yorkers who were so nice to us that they absolutely shattered my preconceptions of what it meant to be a New Yorker. 

Still through all the amazing experiences the terrorizing thoughts about not fitting in were hanging in my mind. It bogged me down. I was just so overwhelmed that I didn't know what to do. I never had a moment to sit and think about it by myself. 

It wasn't until we were on the train on the way back (BTDUBS, it takes 17-18 hours to get to NYC from Atlanta on Amtrak), I was writing in the team wide trip journal and I realized something that I could have used to battle the Enemy with at the outset. We are not made to fit in. We have been set apart. Each person is unique. So how can I sit here in a horrible mood because I am not like the others?

The trip was very hard mentally for me. I had constant attacks from I can only guess to be Satan that told me I wasn't good enough to be in New York City, that what could an agriculture major have to relate to big city New Yorkers, that I wasn't like the other people in the group who were obviously more fitted to be in such a place and that this could never be a place for me because it was too busy and too complicated. These thoughts looming hindered me but I don't see it as a complete loss. 

I say that because I have realized that three times now God has taken a place that I have vowed never to go to be some of the most foundational experiences in my life. I could write forever on the other two, Houston and Peru, but I will try to stick on topic. This realization of all these lies I have told myself and heard from others and accepted led me to a place of brokeness that was absolutely necessary. I can say now that I am wide open for possibilities. I can go anywhere God calls me and be more than okay. If He is somewhere, then I will be ecstatic to be there too. 

This prompts me to the next thought. I need to be able to know what that next move is. So to better know God, I must pray and read His Word. It is imperative. I need to know more of Him. God is the lifeblood of His children. This can't be passive. I have been putting God in a box. I told him that I would do this but not that. I was not open to the full range of possibilities out there. I do not know whether that will be in a remote village in some developing country or if that will be in one of the largest cities on the planet. I am at a point now where everything is on the table, God is out of the box, and I cannot wait for the next step in my journey.