Break me Lord until I am wholly Yours

This is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever written. It isn't one of those cutesy feel good posts that I normally write with a dash of humor swirled in. 

This past summer, as I was working in Houston, I had the opportunity to have some of those otherwise rare, deep theological conversations. You know those ones that actually edify you and make you think. The ones you always want to have more of but it never seems to happen. So, while working with these awesome Godly people, I had the courage to pray some rather big prayers. They might seem silly but they were a big step for me. To be able to keep this relatively concise I will just let you in on one of them. I prayed that I might grow in my spiritual walk. Sounds simple doesn't it. Then, I prayed for God to show me and take away what was holding me back. Now, if you believe that God will answer prayers and you still pray for God to reveal your deepest flaws, then that my friends is a rather scary proposition. For a while I was afraid to pray that prayer because I kind of had this "ignorance is bliss" mentality where everyone just said flowery sweet things about each other and then we went away happy and feeling great about ourselves. Now, don't get me wrong that is wonderful, but its only skin deep. 

My prayer somewhat moved to the back of mind. I still wanted it but I wasn't actively thinking about it as I was when I fervently prayed for it. Then, God kept bringing up thoughts and contemplations about pride. What it meant to be prideful and how it could affect your life. These thoughts almost always coincided with thoughts about wisdom.  So I have been rolling this around in my mind for three to four months now. Lately it has been bugging me so much, I mean I am not that prideful. What did I honestly have to be prideful about? So it has been showing up in my journal and in my prayers like what are you talking about God? So then I remember probably a week ago, I finally was like heck with it, I have problems. I began praying Okay God, I get it. I have pride issues. Now, what do I do about it? 

I love God. He doesn't answer prayers the way you think its going to happen. He didn't answer me at all for over a week. I was getting bugged again. Then, pretty much out of the blue I was talking to one of my friends and they brought up this idea that someone had said to them. They were saying that you don't have brag about yourself. You can just know what you are about and it doesn't matter if other people do. It's not like you have to go around promoting yourself. I honestly was blown away because this was coming from probably one of the most humble people I know.  I finally got an answered prayer to how this could work literally in my life. I had a practical application. 

So, as I am often a learning by doing person, thus I had the Saturday that I had this past weekend. I decided on Saturday that I wanted to bake some brownies. I was going to take them to watch the football game later that evening. So, having never baked brownies on my own before, I found a recipe that sounded pretty good. I wasn't that worried, I wing recipes all the time and they turn out great. I mixed it all together. I filled up my pans and stuck them in the oven. I licked the batter bowl, of course, and that tasted great so I could just see how the people at the football party were going to love them. I set the timer and went back to my room. I was jamming to some NEEDTOBREATHE and I sniff the air. Something doesn't smell right. I go to the kitchen and open the oven. Out pours smoke and burnt sugar smells. My brownies had practically exploded and were burning on the sides and floor of the oven. So I take them out and turn the oven off. I opened the door and turned on the fan. I couldn't bear to look at the failure so I went back to my room thinking I would just deal with it once the oven cooled off. I came back later and began to clean up the disaster and I don't know how this next part happened but in trying to clean out the sticky goop I touched the heating coil and it was cool. So I go to grab it to pull it out so it wouldn't be in my way and I burn my hand. I decided that it would be a better idea just to let the remaining bits burn up and then I would just sweep them out. This brilliant plan set off the smoke alarm. It was just too much. I was ready to burst into tears. So I just sat on my couch and wondered how I got into this mess. I realized it was my foolish pride that I could cook anything I wanted to without really planning too much. I sat there thinking back to what my friend had told me the day before. I had told people that I was a good cook. I had promoted that thought about me in their mind. I wasn't very humble. So, I showed up to watch the ballgame empty handed, having to explain the kitchen catastrophe that had happened. 

I realized that day, and I hope to never forget, that cooking is like farming. You can mix everything together and put everything in the oven or the ground. But, if God doesn't bless the harvest or the food then you have nothing. It is silly and and downright stupid really to have any amount of pride over what may or may not happen. Any achievement I have ever had in the past is due to my Jesus. I don't know what will happen in the future. Thus I have a desperate and unquenchable need for my Savior.  I have begun reading Proverbs and I marvel at this verse. 

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7 TNIV