Rolling in the Deep

My outlook and life plan looked very different in April 2012. I was ecstatic about a summer internship in the jungles of Ecuador where I would learn about traditional agriculture in tropical conditions. I was going to perfect my Spanish and as soon as I got home I was going to sign up for the Journeyman program through the International Mission Board. It was going to be awesome. Plans I had dreamed about for years were finally falling into place. I just knew my life was going to be awesome. I was going to be that cool missionary that visited the churches back with all the stories about miracles and big faith delivered moments.
Then, I left for Ecuador. I was miserable. I was deathly sick. I was allergic to mosquitoes. But that wasn't even the worst part. It might seem crazy but the worst part was all the wonderful people I met. Now, hear me out. I love those people and I still talk to them pretty often via Facebook..
The reason it was so awful was that these people were not your hardcore, drug addicted, crime spree sinners. These were people that were normal, compassionate people. The only thing was they weren't Christians. My world was completely rocked.
This is because as hard as it is to admit, I believed that the reason to become a Christian is so that you become a better person. Christianity makes people do life better. You do good things to make God happy. To a larger extent than I care to admit, I was a Christian because I was afraid of going to hell. I had arrived at "good" status because of my faith. That was what I thought.
But these people were good and they didn't have Jesus. So, how could I tell them they needed Jesus. Their lives didn't really reflect that chasm of need for a Savior. How did I react? I got really really really depressed. I questioned my faith. Was God even real? Was this something I had made up in my mind to explain the things I didn't understand? Did God even care what went on in my life?
How could I become a missionary if I wasn't even sure where I stood with God? Was there even a need for missionaries? Did God really need me? Did He even want me? If He wanted/loved/needed me then how could I know what He wanted from me/for me?
This uncertainty was paralyzing. I came home from Ecuador wrecked emotionally and spiritually. I seriously contemplated taking  my life because once saved always saved right? John 10:29, I said.
I went back to college in August for my senior. The fact that I had no life plan was excruciating for a left brain person like myself. I was floating along all accidental like on breeze as Forrest Gump would say. I was terrified of moving back home with my parents after college. (I eventually did and it wasn't that bad.)
Luckily I had a lot of great people that gave me free therapy and counseling. It took a while to deprogram and realize that no body is good enough to not need Jesus. There is nothing you can do that will get you to heaven. I can tell people about Jesus because I am broken too. Not to quote High School Musical but we're all in this together everyone. Now the song is stuck in your head.
When I finally internalized this, I experienced such freedom. I wasn't ready to move on to the next step for my life until the middle of this past October. I had been healing and fortifying myself for those eighteen months.
Wouldn't you know something though.October 23. About a week after I said okay God let's do this, I don't know what "this" is but I am ready now. (He knew I was ready, but He was waiting my hard head to get it)
October 23. I get a phone call and an email asking me to interview for this position the next day. I said sure why not tomorrow is Bold Thursday after all. So, I took the interview. I got the job. I moved ten days later to Nashville, Tennessee - a town I had never been to before. I didn't have a home, I didn't know anyone there. I just showed up and all of the blessings that rained down since then deserve their own blog.

 But let me tell you this. God has made it very evident that He loves me. He needs me. He wants me. He is real. He cares. I am supposed to be where I am at right now. 

Trials are Good?!?

In recent months, I haven't written anything on my blog though much has happened in my life. I haven't felt the joy that I thought was necessary to write under the title "A Joyful Heart."

Last night I heard a sermon that really spoke to me and I hope that it can help you too. Here are my notes from the sermon with my own thoughts mixed in:

WHY DO WE HAVE TRIALS?

•  Trials test the strength of our faith.
•  2 Chronicles 32:31b God left him and to know everything that was in his heart. 
• This is a piece of scripture where Hezekiah was king over Israel and was very rich and successful. The Lord left Hezekiah in order to test him and know everything that was in Hezekiah's heart. This seems strange because we know that God is omniscient so this must be to prove to Hezekiah his own strength of faith. In this same passage, start back at verse 24 you read where Hezekiah was very proud and became ill. Because of his pride, God chose not to help him and waited until Hezekiah repented to heal Hezekiah. The Lord then blessed Hezekiah greatly in verses 26-30. So then in verse 31, representatives of Babylon come to Israel to ask about the success. At the end of verse 31, it says where God leaves him and tests him. But it doesn't say Hezekiah's response, but apparently he did alright because it goes right in to talking how he was buried with honor among his ancestors. 
• Habukuk 3:17-19 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of the deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. 
• These three verses are at the end of Habukuk's prayer that can be found in chapter three. The whole prayer is just really, really sad. He talks about the nation being invading, his health is starting to fail, and he is waiting for the Lord to come through for him. He describes a situation where only the Lord can deliver. Then, he goes into detail about how bad their situation is. They have no food today and they will not have any food tomorrow if something doesn't change. But he chooses to praise God. Habukuk passes the test as well because he chooses to trust the Lord despite his trials. He could have despaired and rolled around in the dirt and focused on his problems but that wouldn't have changed his circumstances. It was that chancing trusting the Lord to have it under control (it is really more of a guarantee but sometimes to our humanly minds it seems chancy) that afforded Habukuk true joy.
• Psalm 13 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, "I have overcome," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me. 
• I find myself returning to this passage over and over because I feel it describes my feelings very accurately when I am feeling down. I also really like it because it says why David is praising God whereas other passages feel rather ambiguous as to what they are praising. David says he is rejoicing for his salvation and his blessings. I think many times I take seemingly basic regular life things out of the blessing box and move them over to the entitlement box. I think I deserve things I have. I don't deserve to have those things taken away. So no matter how hard it gets, I can still praise God for his salvation and  for the breath in my lungs. 
• Trials humble us. 
• 2 Corinthians 12:7b Therefore, in order to keep me from being conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh. 
• In chapter 11 Paul has described all of the reasons why he had the right to minister to people. He has many qualifications that certify him. He has every right to brag it would seem by humanly standards but he realizes that if he brags he will not be pointing people to Jesus but will only be gathering people to himself. This makes me ask myself would I truly be okay if everyone remembered what I said and drew closer to God because of it yet couldn't remember a thing about me? The Sunday School answer should be no but is it really? 
• So, Paul had a thorn in his flesh that is always bringing him back to the realization of his weakness. 
• "When we are at our weakest, He is at His strongest."
• 2 Corinthians 12: 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 
• Trials wean us from worldly things
• John 6: 7  Philip answered him, "It would take almost a year's wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!"
• If the disciples had had enough money or resources to provide for all of the people gathered when Jesus fed the five-thousand, then they would have missed on one of the greatest displays of God's glory and providence. In verse 5 Jesus asks how are they going to provide for the people. This is another case where Jesus already knows the answer but asks the question so that his disciples can show where their heart is and if they trust Jesus to provide for them. 
• After going through trials and being delivered and taken care of by God, we will develop a habit and lifestyle of depending on Him and not depending on temporal worldly things to make things happen. 
• Trials lead us to eternal hope.
• Romans 8: 37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord. 
• When we go through trials on this earth and the Lord delivers us through our trials, the gratefulness that we develop gives us a hope for how awesome eternity is going to be living with the God who loves us. 
• "Trials give us an affection for the eternal."
• When we are thinking long-term and big-picture, it makes short-term trials bearable. 
• Trials reveal what we truly love.
• Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes even life itself - such a person cannot be my disciple." 
• In Matthew 22:37-39 the Bible says the second greatest command is to love your neighbor as yourself. However, the first greatest command is to love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. I think the intensity of love that is expected for God is so much higher that the love that we are to have for one another must seem like hate as it pales in comparison. 
• Whatever we put first in our lives, we love the most. Our priorities will be revealed when we are forced to make choices. We wade into very dangerous territory when that first billing spot is not God. 
• "If anything is dearer to us than God then He must remove it for us to grow spritually."
• Trials teach us to value God's blessing.
• Psalm 63:3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. 
•  2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 
• We know that trials will not last forever. So that means that we will at some point reach a mountaintop experience again. How many times have you heard someone who traveled to a third world country on a mission trip say that seeing how the people they went to serve taught them to value all of the things they had taken for granted? Countless. It is so much easier to think we are responsible for our success when our successes come right after the other. When we have little reminders along and along that all things are gifts from above (James 1:17) it is easier to keep the proper perspective. 
• Trials enable us to help others when they are suffering. 
• Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet he did not sin.
• How many times have you heard a teenager whether in a movie or real life yell? YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL!!!! I know I certainly hurled that insult at my mother plenty of times. What I am learning is that my mother has indeed experienced much of what I have gone through and there are other things that she hasn't but she is compassionate toward. But having dealt with a lot of depression, it means so much more to sit down with someone who has dealt with the same kind of mental and emotional agony. Having both of my parents and them still being married to one another, I can listen and sympathize with someone who has lost their parent or gone through a divorce, but I wouldn't be able to truly and honestly say I understand or I know where you are coming from. I wouldn't. 
• Recently I was on a mission trip and in getting to know each of my fellow missionaries, I became friends and learned about their lives. One night I got to talking and found out one of my new friends was going through a lot of the same things I was going through. We talked about how the depression affected our lives and there was somewhat of a salve to the soul for me to know that I wasn't alone. On the last night of the trip, the whole team went around and talked about the things we had been struggling with and were trying to get rid of in our lives. When it was my turn, I talked about the battle against my mind and the negative thoughts dwelling there. After I finished speaking, the team prayed for me; it was so encouraging for me that they cared so much. As I am on the verge of tears and am  looking down at the two people holding my hands seemingly for dear life, I hear, "Crap, if Jessica can do it, I guess I can do it." They went on to talk for the first time about their struggles as well. We all prayed for a transformation of mind for our teammate. The bonding that happened among our team was tangible and I was happy to be friends with these amazing people. Over the last week, I have been hearing reports of how God has answered our prayers. I do not presume myself to have any responsibility for the transformations God is making. I simply count it as a blessing to be able to have a front row seat to his hand at work. It meant so much to me to see that all of the things that I questioned and railed about for so long possibly being worth something. If I could reach out to someone and encourage and empathize with them, then it will all be worth it the end. It doesn't lessen the severity of the pain, it just raises my pain tolerance. 
• Trials produce endurance and strength. 
• James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you might be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
• Each time we are stretched to our limits and then some, we are better able to handle the next situation. When we wait in a really long line or put up with a really annoying person without reacting, we can think back the next time "well at least it isn't as bad as that one time. I can do this." Everyone has heard the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I would agree with that on most occasions. 
• Being a plant science major, I find many metaphors within the Plant Kingdom. One that feels particularly relevant for this point is one from a study by Columbia University. They built a biodome and created a synthetic environment within it. Among their many discoveries, they found out just how important wind is for plants. In the synthetic environment, the rapidly rapidly shot up. However, they often fell over before they were mature enough to produce fruit. So basically the plants had a perfect life with everything provided for them and without any troublesome winds to toss them around. However, they were not able to produce any fruit. These plants were not able to fulfill their purpose in the absence of wind. 

I think this is what trials afford us. They knock us around a little bit but they give us sticking power. We can stick around and produce fruit. We will have the endurance and strength to stay the course. But if we have gathered all the other benefits such as empathy, gratefulness, putting God first, looking at the big picture, trusting in God alone, humility and ultimately a strong faith, then will be able to take anything that the devil might throw at us and be able to conquer any calling God puts before us.

As much as it pains me now, trials are good.

Gut Clenching Faith

Last weekend when I was home, my mother and I were talking about how I would be graduating soon from my undergrad degree at college and the fact that I still have no plans for afterwards. I risked the question of what did she think would become of me when I was a little kid, in middle school, in high school, what did she think I would become now? She told me when I was a little kid she always thought I would be a zoologist of some sort due to my fascination with animals. In middle school, she thought maybe a veterinarian as I began to develop my love for helping other people. She said however after my first mission trip when I was fifteen, she always thought I would become an international missionary. She even went as far as to say, 
"You know, Jess, I wouldn't even be surprised if when you go on your mission trip to Nicaragua in June, if I got a phone call saying that you weren't coming back any time soon." 
I was shocked as all of the logistical problems with doing that rolled into my head faster than the blink of an eye. I told her there was no way I could do that. I wouldn't have enough clothes or be prepared. I didn't know anyone there and I had never been there before. There just wasn't any way that would be happening. She replied that I didn't need that much clothes and she could mail me what I needed. She had way more faith in me than I do that is for sure!
I was telling this to Brandt and Morgan (they are leading the trip to Nicaragua) yesterday and Brandt replies matter-of-factly, "Well, you could. Why not? No one is stopping you from buying a one way ticket." 
Seriously? I thought the possibility over in my head and was seized with a strong bout of nausea. The thought of having enough faith to not just buy a two-way ticket and possibly not use the return flight but to outright buy a one-way ticket is absolutely insane to me. I am sure there are wonderful people there and of course the Lord of Angel Armies goes with me to protect me but to jump out of that plane without a parachute was literally making me queasy. 

Of course, in Bible study today with my college group we would be studying about the faith of Abraham. The first verse we read was Hebrews 11:8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
Seriously? We read on about the story of how Abraham just picked up his life to move to a place he had neither gone nor knew how to get there. He didn't know the people. He didn't know the language. He didn't even know when he would get there. But, he did it anyway. Yes, he made some mistakes along the way like any human but he still did basically what seems so insane to me now that I have a modernized version on my hands. 
Do I know if that is what I am called to do? No, not yet. Will I have enough faith to act on it if I am? No, not yet.
But I am a work in progress and right now I will be honest and real with you guys. I still have a gut clenching feeling and eye bugging reaction whenever I think about buying a one way ticket to Nicaragua. 

Abraham had a gut clenching faith that is insanely real and crazy awesome. 

Wishful Thinking

Sometimes I catch myself thinking "Man I wish I could have lived in that time period or in that place." This is especially true after I watch a movie or read a book. Then it occurred to me that one day people are going to make fancy movies about when and where I am at right now. People are going to wish they were here. So why am I wishing my time away when I can fully experience the here and now?

Bragging Rights

As this semester is getting started I cannot stop thinking about how the last ended. I had some difficult classes, but one definitely stuck out head and shoulders above the rest. I can say that it is by far the most difficult class I have ever encountered. I tried my absolute hardest on every piece of work I turned in for the class and I was still not doing that great going into the final. I prepped my parents for my getting a C in the course and I studied for three whole days. I went over every slide. I read every page of notes. I did all the practice tests. Still the information was not sticking in my brain. I did the math and it was not even mathematically possible to get even an A-; B+ was my highest option. That was if I made a 100 and history revealed the unlikelihood of that. 

Before I left my study cave to take the final, I realized all I could do at that point was pray. Miraculously I never hit panic mode and I just prayed. I remember telling God in the most sincere way I can remember, "God I can't do this. I have tried. If you want this to happen, you are going to have to do it." 

I went through the test and answered all the ones I knew or could make an educated guess on. I looked over the test and still half the questions had no answers. So, then I went through and made slightly less educated guesses on some and then wild guesses on the rest. I even made a joke on one of them because of how far removed the question was from my realm of understanding. 

I walked out of the class knowing I had failed the final and hoped my parents would be okay with that. I waited and waited for the grade to pop up online and it didn't until a couple of hours before the deadline. Much to my surprise, an A was marked. I still cannot fathom how this came to be other than God made it happen. There is no way, absolutely no way I had any hand in making this happen. 

What happened next was even more surprising. I began to share my joy with my friends and family. I would praise God and tell how thankful I was for this blessing. Let me tell you how much more awesome it felt to brag on God than it has ever felt to brag on myself. God is good. Praise the Lord! 

Life's A Dance

One of my favorite things about the Bible is when Jesus tells a parable in order to explain something. It helps me to understand more about the character of God when it is put into terms that I am familiar with. The fact that sheep and shepherding are frequently referenced in the Bible is really cool to me because of growing up and raising sheep. Perhaps, I can relate to the story and draw out more meaning than many of my peers. For that I am thankful.

A comparison that isn't made in a parable but I think can still relate is that of ballroom dancing. I am still relatively new to ballroom but I have noticed some really cool parallels. I see God as a really great dance lead. He is strong and he knows what he is doing. I do not have to worry about where we are going because I trust that he has it under control. In fact, when I do start trying to lead is when the mistakes start cropping up. That half second of distrustful hesitation can lead to trips and collisions. In life and in ballroom some of the most beautiful and memorable moments are when the follower has to trust and give over control to the lead. Take dips or lifts for instance. It is always a flashy, crowd pleasing moment when one of these moves are performed. However, the lady has to place her weight in the arms of her lead. What if he drops her? She remembers being dropped before by other leads. Remembering the moments when this lead has supported her eases her mind. I think it is not too far reaching to compare to God. We have to put our trust in Him and relinquish control to His capable hands. Some of the best moments in life are the ones where we are completely out of control and God is the one making things happen. 

Another thing that comes to mind is the fact that as the lead pulls his lady around the floor, he does not just beckon her to him and then that is the end. They move together around the floor. As we pursue God and he pursues us, we are not striving to a static point. God draws us to a higher and higher level of communion with Him. 

So my last comparison is that in dancing and in life, there are moments where we are closer than other moments. Sometimes, it is part of the plan to be more independent and reach out to the world around us. At other moments, all that is wanted is for us to just stay close, heart to heart. 

Follow God. He will lead you in the way everlasting.  (Psalm 139:24b)