Growing Pains

Being a tall person, when I was growing up I experienced a lot of growing pains in my legs as I grew taller and taller. I remember the agony of what felt like being in a taffy stretcher. It hurt so bad especially that one summer when I was fourteen and I grew five inches! 
I am somewhere between 5' 10" and 5' 11" and I love being tall. It is how God designed me to be. I would never have reached this height if it weren't for those seemingly endless nights of torture when I was younger. Height is a mere aesthetic and rather trivial when you consider the other areas of growth that people grow through during the maturation process. However, they are not any less painful, if anything it is more painful to learn lessons about pride, anger, jealousy, selfishness, self-control and so many other things we called to model after Christ. 
In Colossians 3 it tells us to take off things from the old and put on the new. So many times I have simply tried to just pile on the Godly virtues as if I were bundling up to go out in the cold. But that is not how it is supposed to be. Just like you have to take off your clothes to get in the shower and clean your body, we have to be vulnerable and naked before God so that he can clothe us in the glorifying riches that can only come from Him in the first place.  In John 3:20 it talks about how fearful most people are to come into the light of God's presence. 
But I challenge you to join me as I embark on a recharged journey seeking after God and the things He has in store. It's scary and it's going to hurt but in the end all of the waiting and the trials are going to be worth it because of the promises God has made all over His Word. 
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you- you of little faith? Matthew 6:30 

Love a Little Stronger, Dig a Little Deeper

My last post was about waiting and how hard it is for me to do so. I have been asking the question "what do I do while I am waiting?" I get it I am supposed to wait, but I don't think I can do nothing. I have to be doing something and not because I think I need to work to gain the favor of God. I have written about my struggles rather adventures with dealing with life through and ADHD perspective.
So the answer that I have been getting for this question has been to invest in the people immediately surrounding you. It sounded so cliche when I first heard it, but over the past week, it became so evident why it is so important to invest in other people.

Not to change topics, but how many times have you thought "well people just don't understand me"? I know I have thought this many times without taking the time to realize that I was making it a priority to get to know the people around me and try to understand them.

Several conversations recently made me think more on this topic. I had remarked to someone that a particular person was just "sooo quiet!" They were roommates with the person and they looked at me strangely and said that they most definitely were not quiet and that I just needed to get to know them better. Then I thought about myself and how I was nearly the opposite. When I am in large groups and highly stimulating environments like football games or modern worship services, I get really excited and talkative. I mean really excitable. All of the noise, people, and movement is just energy to be absorbed and I feed off of it. Thus, this is the perception that most of my friends hold of me. I say that I am the opposite because when I am in a more one on one environment that is not so distracting, I am way calmer and quieter. Don't get me wrong, I am no introvert. However, it is a big difference from the bouncing ball of energy that exists in huge groups of people. But you would have to get to know me well and one on one to know that.

So, what am I missing in others by not investing in them in a more personal way. Why do I just make judgments right away and decide whether or not we'd be friends or not?

I also thought about the personality tests people can take to learn more about themselves - specifically that Myers Briggs one. I remember my test results: ESFJ. You can Google it to learn more about me and even find what yours might be. However, I warn you that not every sentence is a perfect truth. While I think in general it has many truths that I never would have thought about myself but are very explanatory, there are some things in the description that are flat wrong. It suggested that I would not like to travel which couldn't be further from the truth. I love to travel and am constantly looking for my next trip. The more interesting one in the description I looked up was the outright statement that people of my result would be very masculine if they were a man or very feminine if they were a woman. Interesting, I thought. Outside of my love for the color pink and cooking, I don't think I could be categorized as VERY feminine. I love to shoot guns and blow things up. I vastly prefer action movies over romantic ones. I do manual labor for my job. I am an agriculture major. I rarely cry; I just don't. All of these things while I do not believe are wrong for a woman to possess just do not fit what is considered in our society to be "feminine."
I say all that to prove the point that even personality tests cannot accurately pin down who a person is. You have to discover that in a person to person manner. You have to invest in them personally. It takes time and effort. So I challenge you to love a little stronger, dig a little deeper. You never know what amazing friends and life partners you might unearth.

The Longer The Waiting

I have grown up in a family of fast paced, high achieving people. We are always on the go, always doing something. Idleness is not a word used in describing a Spaid. We rarely go on vacation and when we do it is not your typical chilling on the beach, catching some rays vacation. They are going to be packed and planned out full of things to do and things to see. I know no other way of life. I remember telling someone, "as long as I don't have two things scheduled at the same time, we're good and sometimes that is okay too." 

This morning at church we were studying Joshua 8. (We have been going through the book of Joshua.) You might not know the story that is in Joshua 8, so here is a really quick synopsis. Joshua and the Israelites have just had a military setback because of Achan stealing some stuff that he was supposed to destroy. God then rectifies that whole situation and helps the Israelites take down the city of Ai. However, God gives them specific instructions to follow. We read through the first couple of verses before Pastor Rob stops with his first point. 

"What God has for you IS worth the wait." 

I dropped my pen. I was thinking, "Really God?" You see, God has been pounding in my head for quite some time now that I should wait. I have no idea what I am waiting on but He lets me know when I am rushing ahead without Him. But, Man Oh Man! It is hard to wait! The hardest part is not even knowing when and what I am waiting on. 
In our society with its pressure to perform, perform, perform, is so hard to be that rock in the river saying this is where I am supposed to be for the time being. 

Literally every person I have talked to lately about spiritual things has brought up how I should just wait in some way or another: friends, BCM messages, sermons at church, and even random flippings in my Bible have landed on passages about waiting. 

So I am waiting on something. It is going to be worth the wait. My God will deliver. 

I'm a fool, fool, fool for you

Last night was the Eighties-themed roller skating event put on by BCM. So, being very involved in BCM and also supportive of the fact it was raising money for missions, I felt a tugging to go. However, having been roller skating before and knowing that even that was a long time ago, I knew that it was not likely to be a very successful outing for my pride. So, I had planned on not going. I did not need to embarrass myself in front of one hundred plus people that actually knew me. I would see these people again because you know it is a lot easier to brush off embarrassment if no one has a connection to you. So, when my other plans fell through it was either sit at home or go to the skate night. My love for missions won out and I decided that I would just work at the information booth or be a greeter.
Then, I read my article that was published about me and my adventures in Ecuador this summer. I had urged people to live without fear as I had learned to do. What a crock of foolishness that was, I thought. So, I decided against being a hypocrite and laced up some skates.
Let me tell you, some really embarrassing stuff happened. It was pretty embarrassing but you know what despite all my wipeouts, I had a huge smile on my face at the end of the night because it was truly fun. I was afraid of looking like a fool in front of my friends and I did pretty much exactly that. You know what, the world didn't end overnight and my friends didn't disown me. Some might still laugh at me and my struggles but I will endure them with confidence. Because of the assurance Christ has placed in my heart that He is sufficient for all my fears whether they be silly ones or big ones, I count this as a blessing to have all these cuts and bruises. To conquer a silly one as this encourages me as I hope it does for others to conquer the big ones that get in our way of fully serving out what God has planned for our lives. I am willing to be a fool for Jesus.

Don't Worry, It's Personal

This morning I was reading in Luke 5 where Jesus calls his first disciples and I thought of some things I wanted to share on my blog.

Luke 5 
1 One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. 

Jesus is out at the Sea of Galilee (the other more famous name for Lake of Gennesaret) which is at the closest about 15 miles from his home and He is just doing his normal thing which if you think about it really isn't that normal because He is Jesus and all. 

2 He saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by fishermen, who were washing their nets. 3 He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, 

Coincidence? I think not. 

and asked to be put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. 

Jesus has once again attracted a huge crowd with people wanting to hear His message. The crowd is so big that He has to get in a boat so everyone can see Him. 
The thing that I find interesting about this little bit is that He asked random strangers to use their boat and they let Him. Also, if the crowd was so huge He had to get in a boat to speak how could they hear Him all especially if was out a little bit into the water. Maybe a little intervention by God on that piece? It doesn't say; it's not the main point anyways.

4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into the deep water, and let down the nets for a catch."

So, Jesus not only has taken over the boat to use as a podium, He is now asking for the men who have been fishing all night to try and catch some fish for Him. Also, I think they probably knew some things about Jesus. They probably knew He was a carpenter. They would have definitely known He was a speaker. Furthermore, even if He were a fisherman, He wasn't one from their area, so they might have been questioning His authority to boss them around on their lake. 

5 Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

Simon makes sure to let Jesus know that the reason they didn't have any fish wasn't for lack of trying. They worked hard all night and had nothing to show for it. They were probably really peeved by this fact. Now, to have this stranger come and bring it up might have dinged on their pride some. 
But for some reason it doesn't say they decide to do what Jesus says. Maybe they were being polite and didn't want to be rude to the stranger. He had been preaching to a large crowd who probably hadn't all left yet, so to refuse Him in front of them might reflect poorly. Apparently Jesus had some credibility and authority if all the people were willing to come listen to Him. Maybe they didn't have anything better to do. Maybe they harbored a sliver of hope that if they let the nets down just one more time they would hit the next big one. Perhaps God was just prompting them as He has me on many occasions and looking back  I cannot explain any other way why I might have agreed. Nevertheless, they let down the nets.

6 When they had done so, they caught a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. 

For whatever reason they decided to listen, their faithfulness and obedience was rewarded with abundance. God didn't just multiply the fish mysteriously as He could have and later did. He asked that the men follow His instructions. It wasn't until they did that they realized His full plan and blessing on their life. They had to trust Jesus knew what He was doing.

8 When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" 9 For all he and his companions were astonished at the catch of the fish they had taken, 10 and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners. 

We know Simon Peter to be an emotional and passionate guy from passages across the New Testament. He always feels his emotions to the fullest. He is so overwhelmed with the disparity of his sin in contrast to the righteousness of Christ that he actually wishes for Jesus to leave. With the light of Christ in front of him, Simon Peter can see all that is wrong in his life. This is what the Law of God does for us; it shows us how we don't measure up to His standards. Jesus, because He is perfect, measured up to the Law.  In fact in John it tells us He is the Word incarnate. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1. 
However, because Jesus also came to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, we are not condemned for our sins. Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives you life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful humanity to be a sin offering. Romans 8:1-3. 
Simon Peter recognized his need for Christ and fell at Jesus' knees in desperation.

10 Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will fish for people." 11 So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him. 

Jesus met Simon Peter in his need and assured him. Jesus gave him a purpose. It wasn't just any purpose; it was personal. Simon Peter was a career fisherman. He knew it in and out. It was his life's calling up until that point. Jesus used this for His glory by making Simon Peter a Fisherman for people. He didn't use some grand, over-complicated analogy. He described His plan in such a way that Simon Peter would understand personally. Simon Peter did not have to be afraid that he couldn't fit into God's will. He could fulfill it as a fisherman by just adjusting his perspective and his purpose. Upon this assurance, he left behind his old life and follow wholeheartedly after Christ immediately. 
Peter always jumped into things headlong. He messed up several times in a huge way but he also got to experience some of the more astounding things that the more cautious disciples did not. He had faith that surpassed understanding starting from his first call here in Luke all the way to his martyred death. 
God loves each of in such a way that we shouldn't worry, because it's personal.

Answer Key

Last week, my professor returned our first test to us. It had been a scantron test so all we had to look at were a bunch of bubbles. It told me at the bottom of the page that I had missed four questions. It did  not specify which ones they were, however. So as we were leaving the classroom I was anxious to compare my scantron to my friend's. I wanted to see what I had done wrong and what I had done right. Then, it hit me. Looking at his scantron won't tell me anything about my scantron unless he made a 100. His wrong answers won't be specified either. Even if our answers were exactly the same as the other, we would never know which were wrong until we looked at the answer key posted on the class website. 
This made me think of how so often I compare myself to others to see if I am doing alright. I look around and see if everyone is about the same as me and then I base my emotions off of that. 
How is that any different than my answer key and scantron problem? I can't really learn anything about myself and how to become more perfect and more like Christ without comparing myself solely to Christ. I need to stop basing my worth off of what I see or don't see in others. 
I will make my foundation in Jesus Christ because He is perfect and unshakable. I will make him my answer key. 


Matthew 7:27-29

²⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” ²⁸ When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, ²⁹ because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.

We are powerful!

If you guys are like me, then I am sure you  have heard the various and compelling sermons about how we are powerful as Christians and creations of God. Don't get me wrong; that is true! However, I kind of glazed over that for a long time without giving it much thought. I always confined the concept to martial situations where two forces were fighting against each other. 

Recently, God has been showing me about how much power we have over people we are not fighting against also. For me, I think about my closest relationships which would be with my parents, my sister, and a couple of really great girlfriends. It is with these people that I share my closest secrets and my deepest pains. It is also with these people that I can feel the most intense swings of emotion. I can be the most intensely happy or the most intensely angry. It is because I allow them into the deepest circles of who I consider to be myself. I let down my guard when I am with them. It is this vulnerability that makes the relationship so special. 

However, it is when these defenses are down we are most receptive to either encouraging love or agonizing attack. We give others this power over us. The kicker is when others decide to give such a beautiful gift to us. How do we handle such a delicate offering. We have been given the power to build up or tear down their very being.

I have ashamedly caught myself in a foul mood pressing my little sister's buttons because in some despicable, sadistic way it salved my ego to know I had that power. It is an ugly thing to admit upon realizing the selfishness I am capable of harboring. How can I mistreat such power given freely and trustingly? 

So, I have come to great conviction, though not frequent enough to save me from my destructive words and actions, that I must respect others and love them because I have been given a great gift first from God and secondly from my loved ones. 

We are powerful in so many ways and we must use them in ways that are glorifying to the Lord.

Ecuador in Hindsight

I must make an apology to all of you guys for not posting anything about my trip to Ecuador in this blog as I had promised. It turns out that I was not very connected to the internet at all. When I was able to get to the internet at all, I had to pay for it by the minute and I just took enough time to email my parents and to post a quick facebook status instead of updating my blog about all the things that I was able to experience. It is my hope now to publish stories from my trip to Ecuador for you guys to read along and along.
The recurring throughout the whole thing was adventure and the decision to conquer it. I hope that you guys can get a satisfactory glimpse of what it was like to live in the rainforests of Ecuador for the two months that I was there.

Ecuador Journal

So for everyone who doesn't know, I am going to Ecuador tomorrow for eight weeks. I will try to update this blog as often as I can though I will be very limited in such capabilities. I am going as a required internship for my major and certificate program. There will also be a study abroad portion at the end of the trip where I will meet up with a group from UGA. The first five weeks, I will be pretty much by myself; I will be working on a farm that the owners use to help teach other farmers more sustainable agricultural practices. So, I won't technically be alone. I have my host family. I am really excited for this opportunity. It is scary somewhat but how boring would life be if we always played it safe? It won't be the longest I have gone without seeing my parents. That would be the first three months of this past spring semester. The longest I have been on a trip was nine weeks which was to Houston last summer. So at eight weeks this will quadruple any length of time I have been out of the US at a given time. So, I ask you to bear with me as I offer rambling posts that will not be able to capture the full excitement and awesomeness of what actually happened. 
A la aventura!

Trust Falls Are Not My Thing

First I would like to praise the Lord and the fact we cannot compare and describe Him using purely human qualities. Because if we did, then He would have been long done with me. I am the most distrusting, idolatrous girl out there. If He weren't endlessly merciful and gracious, then I would be struck by lightening never to be heard from again.
So, I have been dealing with a lot of craziness lately, much of it solely inside my head. For those of you who don't know I leave for Ecuador in fourteen days. However, as with any international trip or semester of university classes there is a significant price tag attached. So to combine those together is rather daunting. Furthermore, if there is something that I am going worry myself to death about, it's money. I struggle in economics classes. I seriously worry that I am going to fall into financial ruin as a college student and in the scarily unknown portions yet to come that are ominously termed "the Real World." It is kind of a problem. So recently I recognized this as a problem and admitted it. You see I am one of the most prideful people and admitting I have a problem is, well, a problem. As I began to see the debt rack up on my student account, I said to myself that I would not worry and I would let God handle it. I was really going to wait on God to deliver this time. I was going to not worry. So I was doing pretty well for a month butI hadn't heard back from my scholarships. It was past the time that I should have heard from them. So I emailed one lady that I had been working with and she informed me that on one scholarship that she had control over that my application had never been received. WHAT??? The other scholarship, she gave me the phone number to call and lo and behold they hadn't received an application for that one either! I sent them. I don't know what happened. So, there I sat thinking of the nearly $7,000 balance sitting on my student account that was going to have to be paid WITHOUT scholarships. I lost it. I forgot all my gumption about wait on the Lord. I thought about this issue all day long and how I was not going to be able to handle it. I worried myself sick. For several days, I couldn't even be happy because I was worried about this money that had been assigned to my name.
Side story that doesn't help my mental health: During this whole freak out period I manage to get into a seemingly minor accident. It wasn't my fault. The police report says so. However, my car was the only one to incur damage. It was still driveable though the airbags had deployed. The insurance agency assessed that my car's damage was worth FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! It wasn't my fault exactly but it was my car that was putting more financial burden on my family that I had already blown out of proportions in my head. (My parent's only have to pay a deductible but still the premiums are going to go up; I am sure.) 
So, I was so worried about all of this that I didn't even do anything about it. When I told people what I was struggling with, all they would say is "it will all work out." "God will take care of you." Stuff like that. Needless to say, I was not convinced. I imagined myself to be in this bottomless, guilt-ridden pit that I was never going to get out of and that I was going to be in debt for the rest of my life. My parents were going to be so ashamed of me. Dramatic much, yes. Real thoughts, yes. So when you pile on the end of a university semester with looming finals, my stress could not be contained inside my own body. I began to do very uncharacteristic things. I cried at the drop of a hat. I sat in a corner by myself. I wasn't eating. I didn't care about deadlines or grades very much. I was mad at God and myself - mostly myself. Don't ask me why or to make sense out of this because it doesn't. It just happened.
However, so today I decided to check my student account like I had done every day sometimes once a day though I had nothing to do other than look at the torturous numbers. But wouldn't you know that my balance was $0.00. I was severely confused. I eyed it suspiciously for several seconds wondering if I needed to put on my glasses that I never wear but go around blurry eyed like the stubborn person that I am.  I clicked on the amount and it informed that I had been evaluated for HOPE and that covered some of it. However, the miraculous part was I had received another scholarship that I am awarded for my fall and spring semesters but had no idea would pay for summer especially study abroad trips. It was zero. I owed nothing. I wanted to cry. I was free. Then, I had this spoken to me, "don't you see I had you all along. You didn't have to worry."
I really didn't have to worry. God took care of it. How could it be that on the day of my greatest despair when I was almost ready to give up all hope He comes in to save the day? I had lost faith. I didn't trust. I had put my own abilities to take care of the situation above His. Yet He still saves. He still love me. Incredible.

White Stallions and Baby Donkeys

This next Sunday is Palm Sunday which is a celebration of when Jesus entered Jerusalem a week before his crucifixion. When I was at church yesterday, the pastor said something that I thought was very interesting. He asked if we were waiting for a white stallion or if we would recognize the man on a baby donkey.
Let me explain what led up to this question. Many times in our life we are searching for a sign from God. We may be looking for the next move in our life or for God to prove a certain point true or false.
In the Bible, the Jews were awaiting the prophesied Messiah. They were looking for Him to come and save their nation and restore it. In Matthew 21, it tells this story about Jesus instructing his disciples in how to prepare for his entry into the city of Jerusalem. He knows that He is the King of kings and Lord of lords. He is a big deal. However, he doesn't order a parade of guards to escort Him into the city. He doesn't search for men to carry Him in a big chair. He doesn't even search for the most beastly white stallion to carry Him. He tells them to go get a donkey colt. This fulfills a prophesy in Zechariah 9:9. "Rejoice greatly, Daughter Zion! Shout, Daughter Zion! See, your king comes to you, righteous and having salvation, lowly and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey."  A donkey would not gather as much attention. It would actually be humbling because what was a king doing riding a beast of the common people? However, it was as meaningful and powerful of a sign and fulfillment of prophesy as any other.
I know many times I have thought the Jews to be so silly to be demanding a white stallion and conquering king when their Lord was right there before their own eyes. But then again, how many times have I overlooked something God was trying to do or say because I wanted it to be more obvious or perhaps to look more like I wanted instead of Him. How much more faith would I have if I stepped through a narrow door God has given me instead of waiting for it to be flung wide open? As a disclaimer I suppose, I should say it is important to know if we are seeing a door open that really isn't but that is where knowing the Father is so important. Do I have to see a white stallion in order to hear from God or can I accept a baby donkey just the same?

More Hours in the Day, Please

I hear all the time people wanting to add more hours in the day. I have said it myself plenty of times. Then, I think to myself and wonder if I would be just as busy if I had those extra hours. Would I not add more things to my life to fill those hours? I am very certain that I would. Then, I would want even more hours. I think the trick to it is to prioritize your hours that you have. Use them for the things you value. This can be retrospective as well. What do you spend the most time doing? 

So moving forward, I realize I need to evaluate if I am using my time for what is really important. I need to be wise and not just run around trying to do it all. Furthermore, you have the same amount of time that all the world's "great people" have had. Just a thought.  

Out of the Box, All on the Table

First I just want to say how excited I am about all that has happened since my last post. The big ticket item was my spring break trip to New York. It took a while for me to realize what I am going to write about while I was on the trip but I am glad for God's timing. But first, background story. I remember sitting in my campus minister's office back in January agonizing about what I should do for spring break missions. I absolutely love missions and would love to use every opportunity to do some kind of missions. All I knew was that I wanted to do some kind of missions over the week of Spring Break. The two options being offered by the Baptist Collegiate Ministries at UGA were to New York and New Orleans. I had gone to New Orleans last year and loved it. The easy-going city had a great comforting feel. I had loved the "Big Easy." It was a cheaper trip than the New York trip by a landslide. However, I felt as if I was taking the easy out in a way. I wasn't all that comfortable with going to New York either. I remember not being able to decide and Nathan said to me "Why not New York?" and without a reason in my head I decided to go.

However, the anxiety did not end there. I had felt out of place along the way. There was a little instance where I didn't have a jacket to take on the trip because the only heavy jacket I own was one that was handed down to me from my cousin. However, it is camouflage. (I have lost a lot of weight so I don't own that many clothes) So, as it turned out it wasn't too too cold in New York and I didn't ever need the jacket that was definitely not making the trip to New York City. Then, I remember sitting in preparation meeting for the trip and someone says "Hey, they are going to make fun of you for your accents and manners" and almost every eye in the room turns to me. As an aside, not one New Yorker ever made fun of my accent or manners. But this whole trend got brought up to me over and over again. I do want to say that I don't want to be a person that cannot laugh at themselves and people have to walk on eggshells around me. I do not want that at all. However, the thought was constantly brought to my attention. 

I really enjoyed many parts of the trip. There was even a part where for four or five hours I was in the city alone, by choice, exploring and navigating. I loved that possibly the second most. My favorite part was the kids I got to play with at the park. On the last day we were at our work site, we went to a park and were offering Capri Suns and granola bars to the kids and green tea to the moms. However, thirty people standing behind a table is no good, so I found a kid I had met earlier in the week and begin to play. We pretended we were surfing, playing baseball, being dinosaurs, fish, sharks and airplanes. It was outrageous. I knew I looked silly but the kids were having a blast. It turned into a Pied Piper sort of thing where the kids just kept following me which was hilarious when all the little dinosaurs attacked the big dinosaur. 

I was able to see many of the landmarks that are in New York. I was absolutely blown away by Times Square at  night. It was the first thing that I ever saw in the city and my mouth absolutely dropped open in wonderment. I have ADHD so you can just imagine the effect of so much stimulation at one time from the lights and screens and taxis and people. It was magical. We also got to meet so many New Yorkers who were so nice to us that they absolutely shattered my preconceptions of what it meant to be a New Yorker. 

Still through all the amazing experiences the terrorizing thoughts about not fitting in were hanging in my mind. It bogged me down. I was just so overwhelmed that I didn't know what to do. I never had a moment to sit and think about it by myself. 

It wasn't until we were on the train on the way back (BTDUBS, it takes 17-18 hours to get to NYC from Atlanta on Amtrak), I was writing in the team wide trip journal and I realized something that I could have used to battle the Enemy with at the outset. We are not made to fit in. We have been set apart. Each person is unique. So how can I sit here in a horrible mood because I am not like the others?

The trip was very hard mentally for me. I had constant attacks from I can only guess to be Satan that told me I wasn't good enough to be in New York City, that what could an agriculture major have to relate to big city New Yorkers, that I wasn't like the other people in the group who were obviously more fitted to be in such a place and that this could never be a place for me because it was too busy and too complicated. These thoughts looming hindered me but I don't see it as a complete loss. 

I say that because I have realized that three times now God has taken a place that I have vowed never to go to be some of the most foundational experiences in my life. I could write forever on the other two, Houston and Peru, but I will try to stick on topic. This realization of all these lies I have told myself and heard from others and accepted led me to a place of brokeness that was absolutely necessary. I can say now that I am wide open for possibilities. I can go anywhere God calls me and be more than okay. If He is somewhere, then I will be ecstatic to be there too. 

This prompts me to the next thought. I need to be able to know what that next move is. So to better know God, I must pray and read His Word. It is imperative. I need to know more of Him. God is the lifeblood of His children. This can't be passive. I have been putting God in a box. I told him that I would do this but not that. I was not open to the full range of possibilities out there. I do not know whether that will be in a remote village in some developing country or if that will be in one of the largest cities on the planet. I am at a point now where everything is on the table, God is out of the box, and I cannot wait for the next step in my journey. 

Addiction and Idols

So for a very long time now I have been fighting this in my head. I have been struggling with this addiction for years. It in many ways directs my life. I make decisions based around this addiction. In years past I devoted seven or eight hours a day to this addiction. It consumed my life. God brought it to my attention that I had a problem. He told me to quit it. I tried to reason with Him by reducing my consumption. I told Him that it wouldn't be that bad if I didn't use so much of my time for my addiction. So, in an effort to appease God I reduced my usage back to only a couple of hours a day. Still, a couple of wasted hours each day is a lot combined. So, I reasoned with God again with all the positives of my addiction. The high points of how it was helping me while ignoring all the points where I was choosing it over Him. So maybe you know me well and have figured out my problem. If you don't then you should know that I am addicted to Facebook.
I can see you shaking your head at me thinking THAT is not a serious problem. Well, for me, it has been for so long. It started back in high school when I was not the outgoing social butterfly that I am now. I went to school, did my homework, read books and played computer games - usually the ones on Facebook where you compete with your friends. I was the QUEEN of Farm Town - not Farmville, but the original-Farm Town. I also mastered most of the "Tycoon" games among others sadly. I remember one point where I had to go out of town for five days and being so utterly distressed about my virtual crops dying in my absence. Don't make fun of me for being honest, OK? That was probably four years ago when I began to feel the first nudgings from God that I needed to stop this. I just stopped playing the games. That should make Him happy. As my friend list grew and grew as I met more and more people, I needed longer and longer time to keep up with them all. I did know them all; at least I wasn't adding random people I didn't know. Then, this continued on for several years. Then, last summer, I was feeling more and more convicted by God so I decided to go on a friend purge. I had over 2200 friends. I deleted 1500 people! So, I thought this would make me feel better. It didn't. So, now I am finally ready to relinquish control of this whole thing and just stay off until He tells me that I can have it back.
I for so long have been unwilling to let God have His way with this part of my life, but no longer. I look forward to the free time that I will have to spend with the Father, my friends, for school, reading, writing, and lots of adventures. So, if you want to talk to me, then text me. If you don't have my number, then email me your number : jessicaspaid@gmail.com
So, friends, let's hang out face to face not just on Facebook.

I am very confused.

I do not pretend to be a logical person. I do not understand very much about anything. I cannot actively recall too much information. I do not know what goes on  inside my brain. I have even been to a psychologist before who struggled to figure out what was going on my noggin. 
I can tell you this. I usually do not meditate on things very long. This is likely due to my ADHD/ADD whatever syndrome. When I say something, it has usually just occurred to me and often not to return. This phenomena came to my awareness when I was talking to one of my friends. She was going through a hard time and wanted somebody to listen and to give advice. I was a little puzzled why she thought me to be a worthy subject but there I was. So, I listened. And since I have been feeling convicted on being in conversations and listening only for the intent of having a response such that I wasn't paying full attention to them, I decided to set all things aside and when she was talking, I listened. Then, at the end of the story I heard myself begin to speak. I heard the words seemingly for the first time as if I was hearing them from someone else. Yet they were coming from my own mouth. Shouldn't I know what I was saying? It was so bizarre that I was hearing words as if listening to another person talk yet they were coming from my mouth. They were not my thoughts. So, where did they come from? I believe that since the words were uplifting and edifying to another believer that it couldn't be denied of their divine origin. 
I have seen this situation repeated several other times and I have never gotten over it. I do not understand it.
There is much that I don't understand about myself, my world and my God. I feel like I am in a perpetual confusion. Now, I must analyze do I find myself feeling lost in a paralyzing vortex of overwhelming chaos due to  the confusion or due I trust that my God, my Father, knows all things and has them working for my best interest? Again, I don't know. 


And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 ESV

Bonding Frees Bondage

Many times I have heard people talk about how we should be open with each other and share our hearts. That sounds like an awesome idea. However, is it possible? Can we really make people feel safe to reveal things about themselves in such a way that would set their hearts free? So I would like to call everyone to evaluate themselves to first see if this is something they really want and secondly to see in which ways that we can improve that community bonding which will actually set people free from their bondage of secrets. Communities of trust will build a foundation for freedom and from talking to people about what home feels like, a lot of people are looking for freedom.

New Years Resolutions

The start of a new year is a wonderful time to renew our minds and bodies because it gives us a definite starting point and a measurable timetable. We are fifteen days into the new year. How are your resolutions working out for you? Have you failed? Did you make any? Are you still pushing through? Do your goals glorify your Father? When people hear your resolution story do they turn to congratulate you or do they praise your Father? Are you looking for people to say how awesome you are? 
You know what? I want people to say how awesome God is. So, when I say I want to be healthy, I do not mean I want people to look at me and tell me how awesome it is that I have lost weight. I want to be healthy so that I can go out and do whatever adventure God tells me to take on. I want my body and mind to be in shape so that I can do the things of my Father's kingdom. Then, I want to reach a point where my body, mind, voice is simply a pointing finger to Christ. 
I can no longer sit down eating the chocolate and caramel covered popcorn. I will be given strength to rise above and overcome my body's cries and pleas to sit back down and be apathetic. I will no longer listen to the thought I cannot do it. I especially will not listen to the thought that I am not worth it. 

Unique. Just Like Everyone Else.

In this past month since my last post, I have been knitting a lot. As in thousands of yards of yarn a lot. This past weekend, I went on the winter retreat with my fellow BCMers. (Baptist Collegiate Ministries) It was pretty fantastic. I have come to one simple conclusion. I am unique. I am Jessica Danielle Spaid. Jess. Jessie. JSpaid. Spaid. Ace of Spaids. Queen of Spaids. 
I have been made by my Creator in a very special way. Why would I try to be anything other than that? I am loved by Him. That is all that matters. Everything else is secondary. My life should reflect those priorities. 
Let us not love in word or talk but in deed and truth. 1 John 3:18


This seems so simple, but to truly believe it is very difficult. I dare you to try it.