First I would like to praise the Lord and the fact we cannot compare and describe Him using purely human qualities. Because if we did, then He would have been long done with me. I am the most distrusting, idolatrous girl out there. If He weren't endlessly merciful and gracious, then I would be struck by lightening never to be heard from again.
So, I have been dealing with a lot of craziness lately, much of it solely inside my head. For those of you who don't know I leave for Ecuador in fourteen days. However, as with any international trip or semester of university classes there is a significant price tag attached. So to combine those together is rather daunting. Furthermore, if there is something that I am going worry myself to death about, it's money. I struggle in economics classes. I seriously worry that I am going to fall into financial ruin as a college student and in the scarily unknown portions yet to come that are ominously termed "the Real World." It is kind of a problem. So recently I recognized this as a problem and admitted it. You see I am one of the most prideful people and admitting I have a problem is, well, a problem. As I began to see the debt rack up on my student account, I said to myself that I would not worry and I would let God handle it. I was really going to wait on God to deliver this time. I was going to not worry. So I was doing pretty well for a month butI hadn't heard back from my scholarships. It was past the time that I should have heard from them. So I emailed one lady that I had been working with and she informed me that on one scholarship that she had control over that my application had never been received. WHAT??? The other scholarship, she gave me the phone number to call and lo and behold they hadn't received an application for that one either! I sent them. I don't know what happened. So, there I sat thinking of the nearly $7,000 balance sitting on my student account that was going to have to be paid WITHOUT scholarships. I lost it. I forgot all my gumption about wait on the Lord. I thought about this issue all day long and how I was not going to be able to handle it. I worried myself sick. For several days, I couldn't even be happy because I was worried about this money that had been assigned to my name.
Side story that doesn't help my mental health: During this whole freak out period I manage to get into a seemingly minor accident. It wasn't my fault. The police report says so. However, my car was the only one to incur damage. It was still driveable though the airbags had deployed. The insurance agency assessed that my car's damage was worth FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! It wasn't my fault exactly but it was my car that was putting more financial burden on my family that I had already blown out of proportions in my head. (My parent's only have to pay a deductible but still the premiums are going to go up; I am sure.)
So, I was so worried about all of this that I didn't even do anything about it. When I told people what I was struggling with, all they would say is "it will all work out." "God will take care of you." Stuff like that. Needless to say, I was not convinced. I imagined myself to be in this bottomless, guilt-ridden pit that I was never going to get out of and that I was going to be in debt for the rest of my life. My parents were going to be so ashamed of me. Dramatic much, yes. Real thoughts, yes. So when you pile on the end of a university semester with looming finals, my stress could not be contained inside my own body. I began to do very uncharacteristic things. I cried at the drop of a hat. I sat in a corner by myself. I wasn't eating. I didn't care about deadlines or grades very much. I was mad at God and myself - mostly myself. Don't ask me why or to make sense out of this because it doesn't. It just happened.
However, so today I decided to check my student account like I had done every day sometimes once a day though I had nothing to do other than look at the torturous numbers. But wouldn't you know that my balance was $0.00. I was severely confused. I eyed it suspiciously for several seconds wondering if I needed to put on my glasses that I never wear but go around blurry eyed like the stubborn person that I am. I clicked on the amount and it informed that I had been evaluated for HOPE and that covered some of it. However, the miraculous part was I had received another scholarship that I am awarded for my fall and spring semesters but had no idea would pay for summer especially study abroad trips. It was zero. I owed nothing. I wanted to cry. I was free. Then, I had this spoken to me, "don't you see I had you all along. You didn't have to worry."
I really didn't have to worry. God took care of it. How could it be that on the day of my greatest despair when I was almost ready to give up all hope He comes in to save the day? I had lost faith. I didn't trust. I had put my own abilities to take care of the situation above His. Yet He still saves. He still love me. Incredible.
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