Breaking Pride

One of the biggest things that I struggle against in my life is pride. It infiltrates into every part of my life. It is based on insecurities and my unwillingness to have these weaknesses exposed to the world. This has been such a controlling theme in my life for a very long time that it has without a question shaped the path I follow and the person I am. 
What I mean by that is this. I have long fought insecurities of many different kinds. I did not want to be seen failing at something. I for some reason felt that whatever I do, I should do it very well. If I was really honest, I waned to be the best at whatever that was. If I wasn't good at something right away then I would scrap that whatever that was. I often compared my status to others. 
My little sister is a wonderful athlete. She can usually play any sport and be competitive at it. The only sport two sports I ever played were basketball and rifles. Brittany is good at basketball. This year, her senior year of high school, she decided to go out for the basketball team. She had never played on a school team before yet she started in the first game! When we began shooting rifles, she was eight and I was ten. She easily outshot me right from the start. It took me four years to make it to the level of shooting it took her six weeks to attain. We did end up being on the same team going to the international competition so I am glad we got to share that experience with her. I did not really find joy back then in what I did because I was not the best. She was. I hated it. It hurt my pride deeply. I was older. She was the baby. She beat me. I didn't like that. 
Neither, Brittany nor I are musicians though we did play the trumpet back in middle school. We did for a period time take guitar lessons, but neither of us stuck with that either. However, in her class, she was in the top two or three chairs while in my class I was last in mine. I couldn't even clap on beat. I wasn't succeeding once again. I wasn't the best and I quit that too. 
Brittany and I also showed livestock. Brittany won more awards. I have three trophies and she has over fifty. 
Sometimes, the battle in my head  wasn't with my sister. But it was always someone or some ideal I had that I must live up to. In all reality it had nothing to do with her specifically. She was and is the person that I am closest to. 
I limited things that I didn't think I would succeed with and didn't give them a shot. I did not want to embarrass myself. I didn't want to be seen making a mistake. I never attempted sports. I didn't dance. I didn't learn a foreign language. I did not try to play music.
For that matter, because I could not master music, I didn't want anything to do with it. I hated it. I didn't listen to music hardly ever.   This was the same with art. I was a terrible artist so I didn't like art. 
I did not want to work for anything. 
There was one thing that I did do well. School. I could do that very well without putting that much effort into it. I was that kid who was heartbroken by a 95 and asked to take the test again. As with everything, I expected to be the best at this. I fully intended to be the valedictorian. I was Salutatorian. Was I happy about it? Absolutely not. I wasn't the best. I was second. Again. I will remember my mom's words to me forever. She told me, "Jessie darlin, you have done better than anybody in this family has ever done. Neither your dad nor I could have been close to being Salutatorian but here you are. You did a good job. You did your best. That is enough." 
I mulled that thought over and over and over again in my head. My best had to be enough. I hadn't cared if I was doing my best. I simply wanted to be the best. 
When I came to college, I had a lot of people pouring into me and it was a very wonderful thing. I grew a lot spiritually. I came upon the realization that I will never be enough by myself. I needed Jesus to complete me and to bring whatever I was doing to fulfillment. That was a very humbling thing. It opened up my world to a whole new range of things that I didn't have to be afraid to do. I remember when my friends talked me into going swing dancing and then to ballroom dancing. I ended up loving it though I made a bunch of mistakes at first. I even played on the Intramural softball team in the spring. I was terrified of athletic things. I was absolutely awful at it. The most embarrassing moment of my life thus far happened out there on that softball field. Will I play again? Probably. (If they will have me.) 
This year I finally took a foreign language class I have been dying to take and succeeded. It has been a serious mental break through that is still fragile but it is out of its shell nonetheless. One of these days I might even conquer some kind of running or biking event though the thought scares me silly.  
That is what this whole process has become. Breaking fears and learning to stand up by the grace of God. I realize now that I will fail and that doesn't make whatever happened okay but I know that I have a God that loves me and is there for me even if no one else were. Praise the Lord though that there are so many people who stand behind me and and support me. I wish I had realized this earlier. However, the Lord has taught me many things that I might not have learned without going through such pain. It has taken a lot of breaking pride to get me to this point along the journey. I have a long way to go but at least I have a much more optimistic and joyful outlook. 
Oh, my sister is going to be the valedictorian of her class and I couldn't be more proud. Love you little bit!

Navigation Problems

As I get older and as I am now better in control of my attention deficit disorder, I have become much better at navigation. It was such a problem at one point that when I first had a driver's license, my parents would send my younger sister with me to navigate. Then, when I got a car, I also got a GPS. I firmly believe the key to navigation is paying attention; a skill I haven't perfected. 
The first day I was back in Metter, I was at my church. While my dad was installing the new speakers in the sound system, I decided to say hello to my pastor. He and I have always had a good relationship and he is always very welcoming to whatever questions I might have. If you know me, then you know that I tend to have a lot of questions. We got to talking about how I would be graduating early from undergrad and about the different possibilities beyond that. I told him I honestly didn't know. I knew that I was supposed to be where I was right now, but I didn't know my next step. We talked about how we never knew God's full will and that was okay. But then he explained to me one of the most striking examples that I will remember for a very long time. 
He said "You know what Jessica? God is not a MapQuest. He is more like a GPS. Because you can see the full outline and map of your trip on a MapQuest, but on a GPS it just tells you the next step. And when we get to that next step we take it. Then it might say go straight for a while. It might say turn this way shortly after. Either way we don't know the next step until God wants to reveal it to us." 
I sat back and marveled at the wisdom there. It made so much sense. It was so true. I could relate very well. Sometimes, it kills me, not so much as it used to do, but I want that whole plan like MapQuest. However, like we often just have to trust our GPS, that this series of steps will lead us to the right place without showing us the full map (though it is capable), we have to trust that God is picking the right series of steps without showing us his full plan (though He is capable. 

They Shoulda Seen Me Before...

My grandfather, my mother's father, died over twelve years ago. I don't remember everything clearly about his death and funeral but I do remember several things distinctly. My grandfather chose to be buried in his everyday clothes. So he was dressed in blue jeans and a plaid flannel button down shirt. He also chose to have a closed casket funeral. You see my grandfather died of lung cancer so he was able to make choices for such an occasion because of the forewarning that his sickness provided.
I think however that these two choices speak a lot about who my grandfather was. He didn't want to be dressed in a suit because he never wore one. He didn't want to ever be anything other than himself. He was Vernon Maurice "Rock" Putnam. A retired military man from South Carolina. He was true to himself to the very end and I think that is very valuable in a world full of facades. He chose to have a closed casket service on the statement "they should have come to see me when I was alive." I think this non-traditional viewpoint however, is very valid. We should take the time to be a part of people's lives while we have the chance. It is the living person that is important. It does no good to look at a dead body because you can't change anything then. So, I urge you to invest in people while you have the opportunity. This is not limited to a physical death either. People may be taken out of your life physically by a move to live in another place or they may simply become  hardened to whatever you might have to say or do to or for them.
It might just be that on a day in May, a life will slip away. Just like my Papa Rock.

Pain Management

As many of you know, I have broken a bone in my foot. It is the pinky toe bone, but the broken part is actually within my foot. I know it doesn't really make sense but you can be sure it makes a lot of pain. I have learned several things from this whole experience that I honestly couldn't have learned any other way. 
I learned that just learning your lesson doesn't free you from the lasting and painful consequences of your actions. No matter how many people I can tell not to do what I did. No matter how much I profess I was wrong. I will still have to suffer the consequences of the stupidity I allowed. Of course, God could miraculously heal my toe and still might. 
I learned that you can always be thankful for something. This helps me to deal with the pain. I think to myself well this doesn't hurt as bad as this other time. This doesn't hurt as bad as what it must feel like to be going through what that person is going through. At that time I am thankful that I am only experiencing what I am.
I learned that it really is true that God will not put on you more than you can bear. I will admit to you that I am historically a terrible patient. If I am not feeling well, in the past I have been known to be moody, irritable, and full of complaints. The happy go lucky person from normal times is out the door. However, it doesn't have to be that way. I can praise God in more situations than the ones where I feel perfectly healthy. That is hard to remember at all instances but praise the Lord that it  is brought to the front of my mind again and again. 
It drives me absolutely insane that I have to sit down and not be able to do everything that I want to do. But as in the verse at the heading of this page says, I must learn to be content in all things. So this is my prayer this Christmas break, that I might be content in the situation where I currently sit-literally, off my broken toe. 

Be Yourself

I remember talking to one of my friends in Athens and telling them about how I was different at home than I was at UGA. They told me that I needed to be myself. I thought that is easy for them to say! However, now that I think about it, it probably isn't. When I wrote the post about Home I found that so many people were looking to find a safe place to be themselves. 
What I was referring to in this particular situation was my accent. My accent is unmistakably Southern. Some might find it charming but a large part of the time, people find it laughable. I cannot count the times where I am asked to repeat or pronounce various words such that it can provide entertainment. I can agree that it could be amusing to hear words pronounced in a way that you are not accustomed to but it gets awfully old upon repetition. Also, I sometimes get the feeling that judgments are made upon my intelligence or character because of my speech patterns. This unsettles me. So, in order to avoid these situations, I have altered my speech such that it is less noticeable. I try very hard to articulate and enunciate. It is a conscious effort at times.  
I do not say all of this to make you feel sorry for me. This is not one of those "Mommy, they are picking on meeee!" situations. It is just something that has been a part of my life that makes me realize some of the bigger picture. 
In order for us to reach that feeling of home where we are free to express who we really are, there needs to be a level of comfort and trust among each other. That means we should accept others and not make them feel bad for who they are. This of course does not mean that people should not change sinful behavior. It just means we should love each other in such a way so as to foster this trust that leads to home. 

Apple Trees

My daddy has this favorite phrase that he says: "Apple trees produce apples." I think it is some version of 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.' However, I remember growing up when he would say this I would always retort back "Well, I am an orange!" I didn't feel like I belonged. If they were all apples and apple trees then I must not be an apple, therefore I was an orange. This of course was extremely silly looking back because I realize that I do belong and always have. It wasn't until I had matured enough to think more outside of myself that this was the case. We were a family and of course no two apples were the same. I didn't have to force myself to be on the outside. I was just scared.
I had forgotten about this until the other night when a young man who I go to college with said to me "Well, I guess you are the odd one out then?" It hurt my feelings way more than he could have ever known. I had been talking about my family and he chose to draw this conclusion. However, I was glad that the Lord had shown me this wasn't the case and that I didn't have to accept what other people said about me as fact. I could know where my value was because it was in the Lord. And He said that I was His.
I am sure that this guy was just joking around and didn't mean to hurt my feelings but it did. However, I am so very thankful that the Lord swept in and intercepted those dangerous thous self-incriminating thoughts before they could take hold.
Apple trees produce apples. I am not an orange.

American Dreamer

I was talking with some of my friends a little while back about family origins. I came to the repeated conclusion that so many of my friends had families that were recently immigrated to the United States. As in their family had came to the United States within the last few generations and especially within the last century. I realized that I didn't have a cool story. I was not international. I remember telling them that I was about as American as you can get. 

You see, both sides of my family have lived in the United States since before the United States was the United States. On my dad's side of the family, the Spaids, which was originally spelled something along the lines of Spaight with a good dose of German phlegm,  they were Hessian soldiers. If you are up on your US History then you know that the Hessian soldiers were the ones hired by the British to help fight against the American patriots in the American Revolution. My mom's side of the family is from German origin as well also predating the Revolutionary War. So, that is a cool story. My family started out as soldiers who lost the war and stuck around. Cool. 

So, I got to thinking "what does it mean to be American?" I mean, I wasn't a German American because I really have no ties to that country. We Spaids have been Americans for as long as it was a possible nationality. 

When I think about American culture, I am always reminded of the vast contrast that is within our borders. I love the diversity. However, I can only know my specific culture well. My culture has been shaped by being in a family where most of the men have been career military or involved in agriculture, sometimes both. The women have traditionally become teachers or nurses. We are a very stereotypical Southern bunch. I can think of one outlier I would like to brag on briefly. That would be my cousin Donnie.

Donnie grew up in Metter where everything is better. He went to the University of Georgia and became the valedictorian. He was also awarded the Fulbright Scholar award fellowship. He then traveled and studied in Europe. He is a very talented musician. He married a German lady and they moved to New York City. They live in Greenwich Village. 

Anyhow, my family being from such hardworking and conservative backgrounds, has a culture that I have found commonly among many people around which I know. So maybe you have heard either of these phrases with or without the Southern twang or grammar. 

"If I can do it myself, I ain't about to pay somebody to do it." 

"If you want it done right, do it yourself."

Both of them suggest a sense of independence and self sufficiency. Both of which I feel are decent qualities. However, oftentimes what comes with these phrases is not as great. So many times, I have seen families project themselves as picture perfect when in public. I don't know how many times I have sharply whispered "not in public!" While I am not suggesting that people should lay all their problems out for the world to see, I am saying that it can be very dangerous to be so obsessed with this image of having it all together all by myself. This is something that I continue to struggle with. I find it difficult to accept help. I am always wanting to help others but I will make extra trips or carry that one last thing just so I can do it all myself. Surely I am not the only one. The two phrases I listed earlier have applied to my life in different areas and different times. 

Often, I don't let people help me. I can do it myself. This is somewhat like the American Dream. The best definition I have seen of the American Dream is that if you work hard enough everyone can reach a certain standard of living that is cliche-ly referencing a big house with a big yard and a white picket fence, a dog, and a couple kids thrown in the mix. Supposedly when people do have these possessions they have reached a level of success that they earned by working hard and hardwork is one of those key American values. 

I don't look down on people who have that as a part of their life. I think that it is a wonderful blessing because that is what it is, a blessing. Sometimes, in this world people can work hard for something and still not get what would make the American Dream. Sometimes, there are also people who just loaf around and "have it all." We could also vice versa the situation and some would call it what they deserved. 

I think we, especially me, should learn to be interdependent. However, as people will fail, our hope needs to be in Christ. That is what matters. That is what lasts. 

Home

I have asked many of you what your definition of home is and what it means to you. There are many of you that I have not heard from. I would like to. You can either leave a comment here or email jessicaspaid@gmail.com or otherwise let me know :)


I have come to a conclusion. To find out what home means to someone is to find out about their heart. Their home is where their heart is most comfortable, satisfied, and longs to be. I would have to I received so many incredible answers to this question. I don't believe that any one answer can be better than another because that is to say that one person's heart is better. However, I would say that some of them moved me, my emotions, and even my view of home in such a way that it caused me to grow as a person. I think that is what is so beautiful about sharing things like this with each other.


I was pestering so many people with this question through Facebook chat. It wasn't until probably the fifteenth person that someone turned the question back on me. Then all of sudden I thought, "Oh my goodness! What do I think? I have been asking all these people and I don't even know what I think!" So I thought and thought and finally came up with an answer.


Home to me is where the heart is free. It is where you can express who you really are to the fullest extent. Its where it is okay to sing and dance and jump up and down and tell corny jokes and puns. It is where it is okay to sit with a mug on the porch and silently watch the horizon dance with the sun. Its where you all curl up in a king bed and watch TV. Its where your Moma sings Amazing Grace and rubs your back to help you go sleep. Its where your Daddy lets you sit on his lap and you can talk about life together. Its adventures into the woods just for the sake of spending time together. It's sleeping outside in your hammock and being checked on with hot chocolate mugs. It is sacrificial love; love that costs. It isn't a conditional thing. It is selfless and constant. It is where motivations are pure and unhindered. 


I also want to share a little bit about what I learned from my friends and family through already asking them this question. Almost everyone agreed that it wasn't necessarily a physical place. Everyone valued the ability to be themselves. Almost everyone based their definition of home on the presence of certain individuals, usually their family. Nearly everyone included and element of security. 
The element that stuck out each and every time was the ability to be oneself. Why is it that so many people place so much emphasis on this issue? Because to be oneself is to feel accepted and loved. Often the place where we can be most accepted and loved is home. We are surrounded by the people who know us best. They know our flaws. To love us despite this is an ultimate gift. Also when you are completely yourself, then you are allowing them to see and judge your very essence. To me, that is a very scary thought.  Nonetheless, it is a risk that I sometimes take.
Please send me your thoughts. I love you all and how you make me feel at home in many different ways.

Break me Lord until I am wholly Yours

This is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever written. It isn't one of those cutesy feel good posts that I normally write with a dash of humor swirled in. 

This past summer, as I was working in Houston, I had the opportunity to have some of those otherwise rare, deep theological conversations. You know those ones that actually edify you and make you think. The ones you always want to have more of but it never seems to happen. So, while working with these awesome Godly people, I had the courage to pray some rather big prayers. They might seem silly but they were a big step for me. To be able to keep this relatively concise I will just let you in on one of them. I prayed that I might grow in my spiritual walk. Sounds simple doesn't it. Then, I prayed for God to show me and take away what was holding me back. Now, if you believe that God will answer prayers and you still pray for God to reveal your deepest flaws, then that my friends is a rather scary proposition. For a while I was afraid to pray that prayer because I kind of had this "ignorance is bliss" mentality where everyone just said flowery sweet things about each other and then we went away happy and feeling great about ourselves. Now, don't get me wrong that is wonderful, but its only skin deep. 

My prayer somewhat moved to the back of mind. I still wanted it but I wasn't actively thinking about it as I was when I fervently prayed for it. Then, God kept bringing up thoughts and contemplations about pride. What it meant to be prideful and how it could affect your life. These thoughts almost always coincided with thoughts about wisdom.  So I have been rolling this around in my mind for three to four months now. Lately it has been bugging me so much, I mean I am not that prideful. What did I honestly have to be prideful about? So it has been showing up in my journal and in my prayers like what are you talking about God? So then I remember probably a week ago, I finally was like heck with it, I have problems. I began praying Okay God, I get it. I have pride issues. Now, what do I do about it? 

I love God. He doesn't answer prayers the way you think its going to happen. He didn't answer me at all for over a week. I was getting bugged again. Then, pretty much out of the blue I was talking to one of my friends and they brought up this idea that someone had said to them. They were saying that you don't have brag about yourself. You can just know what you are about and it doesn't matter if other people do. It's not like you have to go around promoting yourself. I honestly was blown away because this was coming from probably one of the most humble people I know.  I finally got an answered prayer to how this could work literally in my life. I had a practical application. 

So, as I am often a learning by doing person, thus I had the Saturday that I had this past weekend. I decided on Saturday that I wanted to bake some brownies. I was going to take them to watch the football game later that evening. So, having never baked brownies on my own before, I found a recipe that sounded pretty good. I wasn't that worried, I wing recipes all the time and they turn out great. I mixed it all together. I filled up my pans and stuck them in the oven. I licked the batter bowl, of course, and that tasted great so I could just see how the people at the football party were going to love them. I set the timer and went back to my room. I was jamming to some NEEDTOBREATHE and I sniff the air. Something doesn't smell right. I go to the kitchen and open the oven. Out pours smoke and burnt sugar smells. My brownies had practically exploded and were burning on the sides and floor of the oven. So I take them out and turn the oven off. I opened the door and turned on the fan. I couldn't bear to look at the failure so I went back to my room thinking I would just deal with it once the oven cooled off. I came back later and began to clean up the disaster and I don't know how this next part happened but in trying to clean out the sticky goop I touched the heating coil and it was cool. So I go to grab it to pull it out so it wouldn't be in my way and I burn my hand. I decided that it would be a better idea just to let the remaining bits burn up and then I would just sweep them out. This brilliant plan set off the smoke alarm. It was just too much. I was ready to burst into tears. So I just sat on my couch and wondered how I got into this mess. I realized it was my foolish pride that I could cook anything I wanted to without really planning too much. I sat there thinking back to what my friend had told me the day before. I had told people that I was a good cook. I had promoted that thought about me in their mind. I wasn't very humble. So, I showed up to watch the ballgame empty handed, having to explain the kitchen catastrophe that had happened. 

I realized that day, and I hope to never forget, that cooking is like farming. You can mix everything together and put everything in the oven or the ground. But, if God doesn't bless the harvest or the food then you have nothing. It is silly and and downright stupid really to have any amount of pride over what may or may not happen. Any achievement I have ever had in the past is due to my Jesus. I don't know what will happen in the future. Thus I have a desperate and unquenchable need for my Savior.  I have begun reading Proverbs and I marvel at this verse. 

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7 TNIV

I Need Floaties

Jump into this moment with me. 
I was five or six years old. Light blond hair , blue eyes, and arms and legs too long to know what to do with. We were at a water park in Augusta, Georgia. I didn't know how to swim. I looked at the shiny, blue water aromatic with chlorine. The smell was just short of burning my eyes and nose. My daddy stood beside me all hulking six foot three of him and we were about to go in the water. I could drown; my long lanky arms and legs didn't understand how to move in a coordinated way to keep my curly head above the water. So, my daddy took my hand and we stepped down into the slow moving lazy river. The water tried to sweep me away but my daddy held onto me. Over the next hour my daddy held me at just the right height to teach me how to swim. I didn't learn how to swim perfectly that day, but I will always remember the moment when I stopped panicking at the thought of sinking because I knew that my daddy was not going to let me drown. I might go underwater but that was okay, I wasn't going to drown. 
Fast forward another seven or eight years. I am a very opinionated preteen. We were at the lake. My family had just upgraded from a bass fishing boat to a fish and ski boat.

 We went from something like this above to something like this below.

 Anyways, we had attached our tube to the back like we always did when we went to the lake. This time we had a bigger boat. It was stronger and faster. I had semi-mastered tubing on the bass boat. I stood on the back of the boat apprehensive as we hauled in my grinning daredevil younger sister. It was my turn. I had to get on the tube. So, I eased my weight on to the shifting and unstable thing. Why was I still scared? I had done this hundreds of times. I knew how to swim. You see, I had a lot of pride - a competitive streak that needed to be humbled. So there I was. I was perched on the tube with my knees on the sides and my hands hanging on for dear life. We hadn't even started moving. Then, my dad eased into motion careful not jerk the rope. We were moving along at a steady pace just skimming the top of the glassy warm water. We were going faster than I had ever tubed before but I had everything under control. So I decided that it was the time to move on to the moment of glory. I was going to stand up on the moving tube. My sister had done it with ease after seeing the older teenagers show off earlier in the day. So I put one foot on the side then the other. Now I only had to stand up. But to stand up I had to let go. There wasn't anything cool in standing but bent over. So I gradually let go. But since there are shores to any body of water, the boat eventually had to turn. Still marveling at my feat I did not expect this change in trajectory. I fell off in quite the ungraceful way. I was plunged into the colder water beneath the warm surface and panicking I fought the water. I couldn't get to the surface fast enough. One thing that impeded this process was my flailing. The thing is, I had on a life jacket. Once I let go of fighting the fact I was under the water, it quickly served its purpose and bounced me back to the surface. I came up blubbering and spitting out water because my mouth was open from screaming. When the boat circled around to pick me up, I declared that I was done for the day. No more tubing for me. That was embarrassing! Thankfully my family gave me a pep talk saying that yes, I was safest in the boat, but I was safe out on the water too. I had a life jacket on. I would not achieve any form of glory sitting in the boat. It was when I had the courage out of the water to do some trick that I ever brought any glory. So, what if I failed, I had my life jacket to trust in so that I could stand up again. 
Last week, it hit me how this is a fantastic metaphor. Yes we can sit in the comfortable boat of life thinking how wonderful life jackets are, but how much do we trust them and believe in them if we don't have the courage to allow them to take care of us. Jesus is our life jacket. We can praise him from our comfort zone and maybe that will lead some others to him. 
When we have the courage to risk it all to glorify Him because we know that we are His that is what really catches peoples attention. 
If you get out of the boat in order to bring glory but you don't have a life jacket, then you are going to bring a lot of notice to yourself but when you will fall nothing can help you but yourself and that will only get you so far. I know that I will always need Jesus to be my floaties if I am ever to survive this thing called life. I also know that I will have to trust him to carry me instead of trying to do everything on my own. 
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 TNIV

The Bread of Life

I have been wondering lately what the purpose of it all was. I mean seriously. I am kind of like almost an adult. This year I leave my teenage years. Soon, I will have a big fat 2 to start off my age. You would think that I might have a clue what in the world is going on. But I don't. In fact everyday confirms this fact even more. What is even scarier than all of that is the question "what am I doing with my life?" I want my life to mean something. I don't want to waste it. So how at nearly twenty can I make these huge decisions? The thought makes me cringe inside.
I am an agriculture major. I study farming, not farmers. haha. In this male dominated field what am I going to do? I love to grow plants and it does give me an inexplicable joy to have and learn about plants. However, is that really what I want to do with my life? I don't want to be a traditional, tractor-driving farmer. The thought of owning my own business is rather scary. Working in a greenhouse seems so limiting. I definitely know that I don't belong in a science lab. So, what can I do? I want to be with the people. That is what I love: people. I love plants but they don't get me hyped up the way that being with people and building community and making relationships do. Since I don't know how to major in building community I will major in the most common community institution of the world: agriculture.
Today I listened to possibly the powerful speaker, I have ever heard. She didn't a powerfully resonating and clear voice. She actually admitted succumbing to allergies. She didn't have an imposing presence. She was probably right around five feet tall. She at one point lost her place in her paper and shuffled her papers around until she found it. From all the public speaking training I have had over the years, (probably more training than is actually utilized) it would seem like this was an easily dismissed speech. Au contraire! Every person in the packed auditorium was glued to her every word - some 600 people or so. There was something about the way she told her stories. She most definitely had a passion to her speaking. She believed in what she was saying. She also made me believe what she was saying without asking me to trust her. She also told of impressive stories with such ease without bragging but just to say this is what happened.
So who was she? Her name is Dr. Jo Luck. She is the former President and CEO of Heifer International. In case you haven't heard of Heifer Int. then the short of it is that it is the largest philanthropic organization in the world - by means of the number of people it helps. The organization is one where they go into communities worldwide and transform them into self-supporting communities through agricultural development. They help the community to practice better and more sustainable agriculture practices. The community members are able to increase their income for their families. Dr. Luck said that the first thing that people do, almost all of the time, when they have an increased income is to educate their children. The organization goes on to promote many other ideals such as gender equity, animal welfare, and accountability. It was really cool to see how they were able to promote communities so ridden with poverty and despair to stations where they had hope and dignity. They work very closely with the women of the community because they are often the cornerstones in the community with raising the family and often do much of the agricultural work. Dr. Luck said that she always tells the women that she comes in contact with "You do not have to disrespect your husband, your family or your culture to achieve your dreams." How is that for empowering women without disempowering men!
Dr. Luck would refer offhand about her close contact with President Clinton and his family. She is from Arkansas. She was also appointed by President Obama to serve as and adviser in International Development with respect to agriculture. She did not tell us these things to impress us. She was just telling us about her life as she had been asked as the lecturer for the annual and prestigious D.W. Brooks Conference.
She made me absolutely reinspired to work in international agricultural development. I have no idea what that will look like and whether or not it would be full time or not. However, I was thinking how awesome it would be to give such core values to people around the world. The most important thing to give would be life. They would not have to be hungry. However, to feed men is a very noble thing. I respect Heifer International very much and I may have occasion to work with them in the future. However, to give man life for today is great. But to give him Life for all of eternity, now THAT is something that lasts. To combine this agricultural development with the Good News of Christ, THAT would really change the world.

I am not made out of Jello.

I want to be different than everyone else.

Everyone has told me for years that I AM different than everyone else. However, I always took it as an insult. Growing up I had always thought that to be a beautiful woman, a good daughter or friend, or even a worthy follower of Christ, I needed to do things a certain way in order to attain value in that category.

The first thing I realized to break into this mold theory was when I realized that relationships whether they be with family or friends didn’t all have to happen a certain way. I know it seems silly, but it wasn’t until middle school until I realized this and high school I fully grasped that people show and feel love in different ways. Relationships being of course about loving others therefore had to be malleable to those who were in the relationship. To be a good friend or family member you love others in the way that they most feel loved. So first crack in the mold.

The next thing I realized was that to worship I did not have to do the same thing that everyone else did. That was a lot harder to realize than the first point. When I was in middle school and beginning of high school, some influential people in my life had told me that raising your hands in worship was the way to worship during praise and worship time at church. So, while this didn’t seem that right because I could look to my parents and other people and see that this wasn’t the case with them, I still left with the feeling that I wasn’t worshipping God right. I knew that you didn’t need works to be saved. However, I didn’t connect that line of thought to worship as well. I wanted to be sure I was doing it right. I wanted to praise God the right way. Then, one day I was on this mission trip, and the leader guy was praying for the people in the circle and when he came to me I remember him thanking God for my smile. He told God that in my smile and laughter, he could see God glorified. Wow! I am still blown away by that prayer over three years later. It hit me that praise and worship of Christ is when God is glorified. So we can do that through music, admiring God’s limitless beautiful creations, or by simply smiling. Among a whole host of other things of course! I could praise my Savior anyway that could bring glory to him. The crack widened once again.

Then to the other matter which I alluded to in the first paragraph: beauty. As a proponent of honesty and that my story doesn’t belong just to me, I will tell you that this has been my area of greatest struggle. Despite the outgoing and sometimes over-the-top person that I am, I actually have a decent amount of fears. (I don’t like to admit that I do. You see there is my pride.) Some of them are silly like balloons and frogs. I have always been in constant battle with myself really with concern to self-image. I let other people real or photoshopped, friend or stranger, shape what I should look like. I have always had such an anxiety in this respect and it is probably the reason why I hate shopping. (That and I don’t like spending money on myself.)

I remember a distinct point where I was standing in the mall. My mom and sister had convinced me to go shopping because over half of my closet is dominated by Tshirts (ROY G BIV organized of course!). I had picked out different stuff and I would ask my mom if she liked it and she would reflect it back to if I liked it. So, that wasn’t help because what I really wanted was other people to like, not necessarily for me to like it. So, I asked my sister for her approval. I thought that this would be a great person to ask because she is absolutely beautiful and always looks great. The ideal look she had for me was not matching up with what I had picked out.

Then I realized that I had been relying on this opinion for years. I had spent years comparing myself to others especially my little sister for years. I remember standing in that mall and telling my mom, “I want to curl my hair!” It wasn't that I really was that passionate about curly hair, it was just that my sister never wears her hair curly. It is ALWAYS straight. I had realized that I had been trying to look like her for years. I ultimately always failed because I was not her. God made me to be me not anyone else. 

Then I realized how I could incorporate this into the rest of my life. I am created the way that I am and I can either choose to glorify God or to forsake all the promises he has given. I am not made of Jello. I am not bound to a mold. I don’t have to wobble in my God-given beliefs when the world pokes and prods me otherwise. I can truly take my uniqueness that I had originally thought ill of and rejoice in it. I want to be different not because then I won't be like anyone else. I want to be different because I am. God made me that way.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  2 Corinthians 3:17

Upcoming God Glorifying Adventures

It’s that time of year again! You might be like yes you’re right, I love football. Or maybe you are like YES! it’s finally cooling down. But I am not referring to either one of those fabulous events! What I am excited about is RIDE FOR CHRIST!!!!

You may not know what Ride for Christ is, so I will let you in on the fantastic secret. Ride for Christ is a ministry and also a fundraiser that I will be a part of for the second year in a row at the Baptist Collegiate Ministries at the University of Georgia. What happens is a bunch of crazy college kids and some crazy adults ride bikes from Athens to Jacksonville. 300 miles in 30 HOURS!! Crazy I tell you! So what happens is that everyone that goes on the trip raises money for the summer missions opportunities that the collegians do in the summer. The students in the collegiate ministries this past summer went to many different places: there was a trip to the the closed country of China, some worked at Baptist conference centers such as Glorieta in New Mexico and Ridgecrest in North Carolina, while other went on medical mission trips to Haiti, Mexico and Africa. I personally worked in HOuston, Texas as a summer missionary. So throughout the year the BCM (formerly the BSU) raises money so that these summer missionaries can go spread the good news of Christ. Ride for Christ is our main fundraiser of the year.

Last year, as a freshman I was able to be a part of this ministry. It was my favorite thing that happened all year. Not being of the athletic variety, I did not ride a bicycle on any of the fifteen or so “legs” that the 300 miles were broken into. I stood on the side of the road and at pit stops encouraging and cheering for those that did ride. Five people last year rode the entire 300 miles in 30 hours! How inspiring! So this year, I have decided that I will ride my bike for at least a tiny part of the way. I am really excited to raise money for a cause that is so dear to my heart while also conquering many fears about attempting an athletic feat.

So I ask you to join with me as a part of this ministry especially in prayer. I ask you to pray that people will be giving to support missions around the world and in our backyards. I ask you to pray for the safety of the students as we head to Jacksonville starting Thursday morning October 27, 2011 and arriving in Jacksonville late Friday afternoon October 28, 2011. And also please pray that as this money is put to its purpose on different missions that God will be glorified all over the globe because of UGA BCM students being faithful to God’s will in their life.

Here are a few pictures from last year! Thank you to Duane Jurma who is by far the best photographer I know. 

Riding through a line of encouragersThere were plenty of people who drove cars that carried encouragers, luggage, extra bikes and bike equipment, not to mention all of those snacks!Lunch break!Nap time at breakfast on the second day. The breakfast was lovingly cooked by Waycross First Baptist!! Both Eric and Daniel rode the entire way!Jenna going strong on Friday afternoon!Late night pit stop! Ben and Ethan both rode the whole way!We made it!!! To God be the Glory!!

My Daddy

My daddy is my favorite man in the whole world. 

The first thing that sticks out to me in this picture is how tall we are. If you know me then you will know that I am a rather tall person. In this picture I even have 3-3.5 inch heels on. Yet my daddy is still taller. 

The second thing that sticks out is that we are standing in a garden. How appropriate. A love for plants and agriculture is a love that both my daddy and I share. 

My daddy and I have been pretty close for a while. He is who I call when that strange light comes on in my car. A lot of the time he knows what is going on with my car by my uninformed descriptions that include sound effects and lots of "thingies." 

One of my favorite memories of a time with him was when one day  I told him how I wanted to make a trail in the woods. He went and got a machete and we did just that. He had other things to do but decided that time with me was more important. It is something I will never forget. There was all the times that he took us camping, or boating, or skiing, or all those livestock shows. 

My daddy is also a very hard working man. He is a full-time faculty member of the University of Georgia where he helps homeowners and farmers solve various problems. He is also on the Metter Fire Department where he is a fireman and a first responder. He is also the sound man at Metter First Baptist Church where he is also a deacon. He is also a farmer. The man never stops working.

He has shown me that I am worthy of respect and love. He has never let me settle for anything less than my best. He also doesn't let me get swept away with accolades; he keeps me grounded.

So I will end with things that my daddy is really good at:

• fixing things whether they be auto, electrical, wood, etc.
• big bear hugs
• giving advice
• driving things
• farming and such activities
• being respected and respectable
• doing things right the first time
• discerning situations
• mathmatical and science things
• being committed

My Moma

My moma is really awesome. 

Yeah we look a lot alike. You should see us when we both wear our glasses! A lot of people in my moma's side of the family call me Pat Jr. At least they don't call me PJ!! haha. People that haven't seen me in ten or fifteen years know instantly who I am. 

Ok, so to tell the real story here. My moma has been there for me so many times. And I haven't always been that grateful. She was there when I came home from a mission trip with a concussion and didn't get out of bed for five days and didn't get completely well for   five or six months. She was there during my first months of living on my own when I called her with silly cooking questions. She was there when I had a meltdown at a UGA football game and she missed a whole half of the game. I remember asking her why she was doing that. It wasn't fair I told her. She was missing the game. I didn't understand. Why was I worthy of her attention? She told me "Baby, I am a mother." Such simple words. They weren't bitter. They weren't forced. They just flowed. It wasn't that she was excited to take care of me during those times. I am sure she had more fun things to be doing. However, I think I will always remember those words. I sit here about to tear up thinking about it.  She loved me. And that's what people did who loved each other. They sacrificed things to serve others. It was such a sobering thought. I know that one day should the Lord bless me with children myself then I will be in the same situation. My babies will need help and I will do it because I love them. At nearly twenty, I am still a baby in many ways in need of a lot of help from my mother. 

So I want to end with some skills that my moma is really good at:

• finding things in my room that I have lost
• cooking things in a crock pot
• baking casseroles
• making sure I don't settle for a halfway job
• telling me I am beautiful and worthy of love
• making me feel like its okay to live outside the box
• reminding me that Jesus has it all worked out in the end when I come to her in tears about whatever is going on. 
• teaching and dealing with kids with Special Needs <3
• a lot more

Going to the 3D Narnia movie - she doesnt get embarrassed when I do crazy things in public..

My Family

I wanted to start a series about my family. I think they are really awesome. I haven't been as thankful for them as I should be. I guess that is part of growing up though. I hope that I can honor them more with my actions than I do with my words. Because as much flowery and awesome things I tell you about them and why they are awesome, it means nothing if I don't act on those convictions. So that is my prayer as I write this series. I want to honor these people as they should be not only because of their value in the eyes of God, but also because they are very special to me. 

My Savior, My Provider

This was the shirt I was wearing today. This was the shirt that I wore every Wednesday I worked in Houston this summer. This year at the Mission Centers of Houston, the theme was "What If?" It was broken down into three sub-categories: what if served others? what if we loved people? what if we believed God? I remember when I heard them the first time I thought, "Oh that's nice." But when our executive director, Miss Ginger Smith (she is awesome), broke it down for us I had a distinctly more profound reaction. This "WOAH!" reaction was amplified even more this past week.

I sat in my room at my apartment at the end of last week wondering what I was going to do. I sat staring at my online bank account subtracting the bills I had to pay. I was going to be left with forty dollars, an empty gas tank and an empty refrigerator. So, me being me began to run thousands of possibilities through my head wondering how I was going to eat. How was I going to get to school or work for that matter? Let's not sugarcoat it; I was freaking out. 

I realized in that moment that I wasn't going to make it another month on my own. I needed help. I clunked my elbows on my desk and dropped my head into my hands and wondered how I was going to get out of this mess. I knew I needed help but I didn't want to ask anyone. I had this epiphany. Maybe I can just make a list of my grocery needs and then rank them. Then, I will set a limit for how much money I will spend and see how far down the list I can go. Sounded like a reasonable plan. Then I saw how much different things cost. I wasn't going to get very far. My plan was failing. So, I called my mom. She told me that she could bring me some stuff that was on the list that she had at the house. I was really happy. I realized though that I couldn't depend on my mom every month for the rest of college or my life for that matter. Eventually this plan I knew would fail too. 

I sank my head back into my hands and ran out of thoughts. Then, some little inaudible voice spoke. "Do you not believe I will take care of you?" I immediately thought of this red MCH tshirt. What if we believed God? It doesn't say what if we believed IN God. It asks if we believe God. That means believing His Word, His promises, and all else that comes with Him. So I was reminded of this verse:

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26 TNIV

How many times have I heard that verse but never thought about how I could actually use it my life! However, I am so glad that I had it stored away in the far reaches of my brain that it could bring me comfort in a time of minor despair! On a little side note, that is why it is so important to memorize Scripture. 

The end of the story is that my Mom brought me a lot of food already made for me to eat along with other things that I needed but couldn't buy. I hadn't even told my aunt and uncle about my needs when I visited them yesterday but they decided to take me grocery shopping for whatever I needed! Now that I have a lot of the staples for my kitchen, it will be a lot shorter of a grocery list in the future!

It is so incredible to be blessed by God after laying down my pride and admitting I couldn't do it on my own. His blessings are so rich as they pour down like rain from above. 

Passionate People

I have been dwelling on this thought recently about what it means to be passionate. It is so hard to define for me. Though I often find it hard to define, I can easily say when it is real. For me, spotting true passion is like spotting a real smile. You know it when you see it. There is something so attractive about passionate people. You just know that they are on an adventure and something inside of you wants to be on an adventure too. They might not have it all together but there is something within them, driving them. You want to be around them so that you can either figure out what it is or maybe go on whatever exciting path it is with them. Passionate people are magnetic. By this time you have already started thinking about certain people you know that fit this bill. I have been fortunate to have met a few wonderful people that possess such passion in their life. 
I remember recently asking one of my friends, "What is it that you are passionate about?" Now, this wasn't one of these things where I just out of the blue asked a deep question; it was in context. But, I knew that I would learn a lot about this person by their answer or lack of answer. However, as it were the answer blew me away. They outlined what they wanted out of life and what was going on in their life currently to push them further toward that God-given dream. 
However, if you think about it, if a person, who was noted by their peers to be a passionate person, were to be asked what it was that drove them to act in such a way and they were able to answer Jesus Christ, what a witness that would be! People would see them and want whatever they had. To find out that something was Jesus, they might just want that too.
Let your light shine before men,so that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven. Matthew 5:16 

Three Paths Diverged

So many times this past summer when I was teaching a lesson to the kids or was ministering to the community, so many life lessons and things that the Lord wanted me to learn sunk in way faster than they ever could just hearing them. I think that is one of countless reason why it is in our best interests to serve the Lord. 
The last week that we were in Houston, I had the opportunity to teach the teens. There were thirteen year olds there. There was a college student there. There was even a six month old baby there that belonged to one of our teen couples who were both there as well. So there was definitely a wide range of folks there. As I was thinking what could I tell these teens that would have some sort of impact on their life, I was talking to one of my fellow missionaries. She told me about how she had talked to the teens at a different center about the stoning of Stephen which had Saul's approval. I sat and thought about it for a while and God came up with something brilliant. It was and still is my hope that I can convey the amount of brilliance that God revealed. 
So, if you look at the passage in Acts 7 starting in verse 54, you can read about how Stephen was proclaiming God and made some of the more powerful people of the day very angry. So angry that they began to stone him! There is one little short snippet in there about how Saul approved of all that was going on. If you remember later Saul experiences a dramatic conversion and becomes one of the greatest Christian leaders in all of history. He had made some of the roughest and worst mistakes that people consider when ranking mistakes. Its a pretty bad mistake to kill people, wouldn't you say? Add to that killing A LOT of people and because they were Christians too! So as far being the ultimate sinner (in the eyes of man) he had that spot claimed! However, like I said and like many of you know, Paul was one of the greatest Christian leaders ever! He traveled all over the Roman Empire spreading the Good News and created many converts. He was heavily persecuted for his choices but stood strong in the face of adversity. He was able to make such an amazing transformation through God that by the end of his life he was able to tell people that they could use his life to emulate. I certainly don't want people to use my life as a pattern for their own. That will take a lot more fire and shaping from the Lord to create any sort of worthy map. God was able to use Paul both despite and because of his failures. 
Then, there is David. David was the second king over the Israelites. He was the guy who was anointed by Samuel when he was still a young shepherd boy. He was also the very same who killed Goliath the giant with just a sling and a stone. He was the writer of much of the psalms. He definitely was a very influential man on the Christian faith. However, he had some truly epic failures. Most notably was when Bathsheba entered the picture. He is just strolling around on the roof and he spots this woman bathing. He immediately decides that he must have her. So check coveting on the list. Then he has her brought over to his castle. One check for stealing. Then he sleeps with her. Another check for adultery. Then he sends her back to her house and acts like nothing happened. Another check for lying. Then when he finds out she is pregnant he tries to concoct this plan to have Bathsheba's husband go home to her and therefore think the baby was his. Double check - lying. However, that plan fails. So, David has the soldier sent to the front lines where he is assuredly killed. Check for murder. Then, he marries her, she has the baby, and the baby ends up dying. That is five out of the ten commandments right there! However, God restores him after his failures. David ends up being praised as a man after God's own heart. What greater praise! David was following God and then takes one epic detour but God still allows him to even be on the path at all much less in the right direction. 
The last example I want to use is Mary. Mary stands in stark contrast to the other two people above. She was considered blameless. She found favor with the Lord. She didn't go through all of the other junk that the two guys earlier did. She walked with the Lord the whole time. Now, the reason that I bring her up is because she too is one of the greatest people in the Bible. She also can stand as an example to how you don't have to have all this junk going on in your life to make for a spectacular testimony. She represents  how God can use the people who haven't come from wretched life of sin or have sinned majorly even after they have come to the Lord. She resisted the temptation to do all of the stuff that the others around her were doing and knew that was enough.
So, what I am saying is that no matter where you are at or you think you are at on your journey dealing with sin, that God can use you. If you grew up doing lots of bad things, God can forgive you and help you move forward. If you are already a Christian but have had a few or maybe a lot of missteps along the way God is still there to guide and direct you. Lastly, if you have been serving the Lord diligently, you don't have to have a fantastic, jaw-dropping, scandalous story to share the Gospel. God uses all people and each of them are a key asset to the kingdom of God. 

No Expectations, Only Love

Today, I found myself interviewing people who had come to get food from our food pantry. I love to socialize with people and learn about their lives so I had asked my director if I could do interviews for a day. The people come into our gym and sit in the chairs that we have set up for them to wait on their name to be called at their appointment time. After they have checked in at the main desk then they can be called over to the interview desks. My center's director, Mrs. Dora, AKA one of the sweetest ladies in the WHOLE world! sat at one of these desks and I sat at the other. Mrs. Dora who lived the first couple of decades in Mexico is naturally fluent in Spanish. Over the last thirty years she has perfected her English as well. How valuable it is to be bilingual! So, there I sat for all practical purposes monolingual. I do know a very modest amount of Spanish but not enough to be confident in sharing the Gospel with our beloved community. So as each person checks in at the main desk, I would ask them if they spoke English. Most of them did not and I would tell them to wait for Mrs. Dora so that they could interview in Spanish. Eventually I would come to a person on the list who could either speak English or had one of their children who could translate for them. Often times the Hispanic ladies who told me they could speak English were actually stretching the truth. However, by the grace of God, I was able to recall words and phrases so that we could communicate. 

I think that I will remember one particular interview that I had today for a very long time. I had a upper middle age African American couple at my desk and was talking to them. I was thinking in my head How am I going to be able to bring Jesus into this if they keep being so close lipped? The wife was acting scared to talk about Jesus because her husband was there. The husband was just sitting and looking around. Then, out of nowhere. I have no idea what cued this other than God himself, the husband started into not really a rant but maybe better described as a spiel. He told me about how for a long time he and his wife had been looking for a church. Apparently they had been going to this one church that had brought them food during the week once a month. They would attend on Sunday but didn't feel as if they were fully accepted. He felt that the  rich white people as he described them excluded him and his wife. He had other friends from the streets as well that had felt the same about their reception at the church. I wonder how many times I myself have excluded people that are not the same as me in church. What a travesty! 

However, it was the second part of his impassioned little speech that was most poignant. He said that when the people brought the food to his house, they would say things that made him feel obligated to attend their church. This man said that he didn't like feeling like he was being bought to attend church. 

I don't know what actually happened because I wasn't there. How often though do we do service and mission projects with the thought that if we do this then they might come to our church. If we give them this then they might accept Jesus. This man was simply looking for love. The reason why we should do missions, outreach and service is love. We should not expect anything in return. 

God first loved us and doesn't expect anything in return. He loved just to love and we should too.

Life on the Green side

This summer I am spending nine weeks in the inner city of Houston. Houston is the fourth largest city behind New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago respectively. We live in some of the sketchiest portions of the city, but right in the middle of the compound where we live and also where the mission center that I work is located, there can be found the Gano Mission Community Garden. It is somewhat out of place against the other surroundings. This summer I have been looking over the little plants as they grow. It is so exciting to see the new growth that happens everyday and when the plants perk up after a long sprinkler's drench. I know that this may be mundane to many people. I cannot take offense to such opinions because the fact of the matter is that the Lord has blessed me with this interest and passion. I love the things that I love because my Father has placed them on my heart. 

So, because of such things, I have chosen to study plants. This includes food plants, ornamental plants, and mostly any other type of plant. I have been fortunate this past few weeks to realize in a practical hands on way how my interests, knowledge and experience could be used in ministry kind of way. I had secretly been wondering how I could use that for the cause of Christ. I had known it would be a fantastic humanitarian thing to help give people the ability to put food on their table, but I wanted more. I wanted to impart Jesus Christ into their lives.  Then I realized through work in the garden here at Gano or other work opportunities around Houston that I can talk about God as we work. To that point though God can be revealed through much of creation. It is simply awesome the things that He is able to do and create every day. 

I am glad that I have been able to be around and so close to much of His creation every day. 

Sometimes I feel weird talking about what I love because it is usually much different than many people that I come into contact with. I many times feel in the minority or at the subject of stereotype. However, I am glad that God gives me increasing certainty in my abilities but I am always reminded that everything I have even my knowledge and abilities come from Him. Without God I cannot do anything.

So, through my involvement with plants and playing in the dirt on a regular basis, I have been living life on the green side. 

Out of my Hands

I was laying in bed this morning awake because the sun was too bright as it peeked through the blinds that must always stay closed. You see for the past two and half, almost three weeks, I have been living in the ghetto, hood or whatever you want to call it. Basically it is a sketchy place. So the blinds forever remain closed yet the sun peeks inside invading the coma of sleep. I suppose I could choose to be upset and at first I was. I wanted to be asleep still. However, I knew that for the time being that option was over. I also came to the realization that there are so many things in life that are out of my hands. I cannot control them. I can only choose how to deal with them. I know so many times that I choose to deal with them the incorrect way. But, by the grace of God I keep getting second chances, or thirds, fourths and sometimes even twentieth chances.
So, I got up and had some quiet time in the lounge and I realized that I had not written in my blog for a while. I guess a message that sticks with me is from the lesson I taught to the preteen girls this past week. We have been doing a study on Bible women with help from John MacArthur's book Twelve Extraordinary Women. The first week Karenie talked about Eve. So this week was my turn to talk and it was on Sarah. You know I had thought about Sarah before and remember learning about her growing up in Sunday School. However, as is the beauty of growing in the Lord, new things were revealed each time I read the Scripture. So for those of you who are not as familiar with Sarah, she was the wife of Abraham who is now known as the father of the Israel nation. He is one of the most highly recognized Biblical figures. However where in chapter eleven of Genesis verse twenty nine it states Abraham marriage to Sarah. Immediately after that in verse thirty it says Sarah could not have children. How terrible for that to be the first piece of information that is given about you - something that you could not do! However in chapter twelve God gives his promise to Abraham that he is going to be made into a great nation. First the Bible says Sarah couldn't have children, then it says but I am going to make a great nation from you. "Your wife can't have kids, just wait I am going to give you so many descendants that you can make a whole country!" So the story rocks on for a little while and Sarah gets impatient. She knows what her husband said God said but God didn't tell her. So, Sarah has this brilliant idea that she can give her servant to her husband and then they are going to make a family that way. So Abraham agrees and has Ishmael with Hagar. But during Hagar's pregnancy she grows to despise Sarah, her mistress. Sarah goes to her husband and is all what should I do? He tells her whatever you think best. So she ends up mistreating Hagar who then runs away. Then Sarah and Abraham have to endure some consequences for their actions. But then God sends people to Abraham and Sarah to give them the promise again. They tell them that by this time next year Sarah will have a child. And Sarah laughs unbelievingly! However, just as God had said within a years time Sarah had a child. Abraham was a hundred years old when Isaac was born.
I don't think I ever took the time to marvel at what a wonderful story that Sarah brings. God gave her a promise that she was too impatient to wait for. So, she decided to make up her own solution to her problems. However, predictably that ended terribly. However, in the end God blessed Sarah so richly that she couldn't have imagined being the mother of such a wonderful lineage.
I think God gives us many promises but we too need to wait for God to work them out. But if we do wait or even if we mess it up and God puts it back together, the amazing blessings that pour from the hand of God are better than we could even imagine of creating on our own.
Peace and blessings

A Superior Plan

When someone says that God has a superior plan for our lives, everyone nods in agreement and says of course. However, who actually lives their life that way all the time? Not me, thats for sure. This was brought to my mind when I was talking to one of my friends about my trip back in January to Haiti. We talked about how I was so sick for nearly the entirety of the trip. For the first half of the trip I couldn't even speak audibly and expect to be understood. If I tried to do anything above a talking level I would convulse into terribly coughing fits which were of course were worse at night. I didn't hardly any sleep at night and my roommates didn't either. I felt particularly guilty about keeping my roommates up which were fifteen other girls. I felt absolutely horrible and I knew I had a choice how I would view my circumstances. I could choose to complain and not participate in the ministry. I could also choose to smile and do everything that I could. I couldn't sing and I couldn't laugh but I could move my lips along with the words and make silly faces and smile super huge. So I chose the latter. I am glad that I did because when I was talking to my friend I remembered another mission trip where I was sick as well. Except that trip, I had chosen a different path and had made myself unhappy and likely everyone else as well. I remember thinking after that trip that if only God would give me a second chance. However, it didn't dawn on me until now that He really had. I had thought that a second chance would come in the form of a mission trip with perfect health and bottomless energy. When in reality I was given a second chance to make a better decision when I was sick on a mission trip. 

I do not say all this to be "Hey look how awesome I am at being joyful in a miserable situation." I do say it because now I can look back at how I was still able to joyful in a bad situation and then it is much easier to choose joy in whatever situation that I come up against in the future. 

So, yes God had a superior plan and really does know what He is doing.