I am not made out of Jello.

I want to be different than everyone else.

Everyone has told me for years that I AM different than everyone else. However, I always took it as an insult. Growing up I had always thought that to be a beautiful woman, a good daughter or friend, or even a worthy follower of Christ, I needed to do things a certain way in order to attain value in that category.

The first thing I realized to break into this mold theory was when I realized that relationships whether they be with family or friends didn’t all have to happen a certain way. I know it seems silly, but it wasn’t until middle school until I realized this and high school I fully grasped that people show and feel love in different ways. Relationships being of course about loving others therefore had to be malleable to those who were in the relationship. To be a good friend or family member you love others in the way that they most feel loved. So first crack in the mold.

The next thing I realized was that to worship I did not have to do the same thing that everyone else did. That was a lot harder to realize than the first point. When I was in middle school and beginning of high school, some influential people in my life had told me that raising your hands in worship was the way to worship during praise and worship time at church. So, while this didn’t seem that right because I could look to my parents and other people and see that this wasn’t the case with them, I still left with the feeling that I wasn’t worshipping God right. I knew that you didn’t need works to be saved. However, I didn’t connect that line of thought to worship as well. I wanted to be sure I was doing it right. I wanted to praise God the right way. Then, one day I was on this mission trip, and the leader guy was praying for the people in the circle and when he came to me I remember him thanking God for my smile. He told God that in my smile and laughter, he could see God glorified. Wow! I am still blown away by that prayer over three years later. It hit me that praise and worship of Christ is when God is glorified. So we can do that through music, admiring God’s limitless beautiful creations, or by simply smiling. Among a whole host of other things of course! I could praise my Savior anyway that could bring glory to him. The crack widened once again.

Then to the other matter which I alluded to in the first paragraph: beauty. As a proponent of honesty and that my story doesn’t belong just to me, I will tell you that this has been my area of greatest struggle. Despite the outgoing and sometimes over-the-top person that I am, I actually have a decent amount of fears. (I don’t like to admit that I do. You see there is my pride.) Some of them are silly like balloons and frogs. I have always been in constant battle with myself really with concern to self-image. I let other people real or photoshopped, friend or stranger, shape what I should look like. I have always had such an anxiety in this respect and it is probably the reason why I hate shopping. (That and I don’t like spending money on myself.)

I remember a distinct point where I was standing in the mall. My mom and sister had convinced me to go shopping because over half of my closet is dominated by Tshirts (ROY G BIV organized of course!). I had picked out different stuff and I would ask my mom if she liked it and she would reflect it back to if I liked it. So, that wasn’t help because what I really wanted was other people to like, not necessarily for me to like it. So, I asked my sister for her approval. I thought that this would be a great person to ask because she is absolutely beautiful and always looks great. The ideal look she had for me was not matching up with what I had picked out.

Then I realized that I had been relying on this opinion for years. I had spent years comparing myself to others especially my little sister for years. I remember standing in that mall and telling my mom, “I want to curl my hair!” It wasn't that I really was that passionate about curly hair, it was just that my sister never wears her hair curly. It is ALWAYS straight. I had realized that I had been trying to look like her for years. I ultimately always failed because I was not her. God made me to be me not anyone else. 

Then I realized how I could incorporate this into the rest of my life. I am created the way that I am and I can either choose to glorify God or to forsake all the promises he has given. I am not made of Jello. I am not bound to a mold. I don’t have to wobble in my God-given beliefs when the world pokes and prods me otherwise. I can truly take my uniqueness that I had originally thought ill of and rejoice in it. I want to be different not because then I won't be like anyone else. I want to be different because I am. God made me that way.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  2 Corinthians 3:17