Definition of APATHY
1
: lack of feeling or emotion : impassiveness
2
: lack of interest or concern : indifference
So I copied that directly from the Merriam Webster online dictionary to get a direct concise meaning of the word.
For the past month, I have been battling apathy. It has shown up in my academics, my relationships and lifestyle. However, this has been especially true with my schoolwork. All through school, I found my identity in academic things. Being rather uncoordinated, I was teased off of athletic teams. Being overweight, which was probably a result of not doing any athletics, I didn't fit into the shopaholic, Daddy's Little Princess group. I never really felt that I was good at too much, but I could make the grades. So instead of trying to do a general improvement on my life, I decided to focus on the one thing I could do: school. So for the longest time, I put my self worth on being the best at school. I found no value in doing my best, I had to be the best. Being from a small town, being the best at something had greater odds and less competition. So that rocked on for years and then I came to college. So last semester, I somehow by only the grace of God managed to get all As and A-s. I have no idea honestly. Then there was this semester. I can say with nearly undeniable certainty and a week or so left in the semester that things are going to change. Classes have been harder and I took seventeen hours. Such a bad decision! I started realizing things were going downhill about a month ago right before we had spring break. Then, we went on spring break and I got to be a part of one of the things that I love the most in this world: missions. I remember thinking to myself, not entirely serious but not entirely hypothetical either, that I wish I could just quit college and be a missionary. I told one of my friends this and he said "Jessica, I have that same thought a thousand times. However, in the end I have to remind myself that I can help people so much more with the education that I am working towards." I knew he was right and I don't think I could live with myself if I actually followed through with that. However, I still didn't have joy about it. Then, I had to deal with running out of my ADD/ADHD medicine. That was a nightmare because in the period of time that I was without medicine I had to write a fifteen page paper to write and two tests. I failed the two tests and have yet to hear back on the paper. Luckily one of the tests had a curve that pushed it barely above passing. These failings led me further into my apathy. I became more and more upset though I had learned through the years to not let my negative emotions show. I felt more and more despair that what I had treasured so highly was slipping away. This past Sunday, I was in my home church. I would be asked how school was going and I often replied "It's going!" However, each time these well meaning people asked about my accomplishments I felt a chink falling out of my spirit and my pride being shattered. I could not say I was doing well. You may be reading this and think it silly how strong my emotions are on the matter but think about what you identify yourself as. If it is not with Jesus, then it can be taken away. Depending on how tightly you are holding on to whatever it is the more heartbreaking it can be to have it gone. After the service yesterday, Easter, I was talking to my pastor. I told him the rough time that I have been having and he said "You know what? At the end of the day, at the end of the semester, Jessica, Jesus is still savingly risen. That is what matters." I think that those words will stick with me for a very long time. Because while school is very important, it is not the most important thing. So as we move into finals week, my goal is to focus on glorifying the Risen King. I will do my part and trust in Him for the rest.
Monday, April 25, 2011
I just want to be a sheep....
Maybe you have heard the little kids song: "I just want to be a sheep" or maybe you are wondering what in the world is she talking about? Here is a little short video that you can watch to see what I am talking about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqOoMwWNfMI&feature=related
So, thats all cute and all but we are in college why do we care about silly little kids songs.
This song has been perpetually stuck in my head since January when we sang it over and over in Haiti. Those kids absolutely loved this song. The French Creole word for sheep is mouton. The kids would yell mouton, mouton, mouton. Then we would sing the song again! We also acted out some Bible stories involving sheep. It was really fun and funny. At the end of each chorus we would yell "what do you want to be?" The resounding response was "MOUTON!!" By the end of the week the kids were seeming obsessed with sheep. When we did pipe cleaner Noah's Ark animals and of course nearly all the kids requested that a mouton be made for them. We made playdo animals and of course sheep again took center stage. I have no idea why they liked sheep so much. I didn't see a single sheep in Haiti; several goats wandered around, but no sheep. Maybe they wanted to make us happy because we kept talking about them and acting like them crawling around on the dirt floor bleating like sheep. I am sure it was quite a sight to see the parable of the lost sheep acted out.
I have always wondered though if the connection was made between sheep and people. In the Bible, people are continually related back to sheep. Having raised sheep for the past eleven, twelve years now, I can verify that people really are like sheep. And sheep are DUMB! Now, don't go getting all offended. A point that can be made here though is that we as humans can perceive them as dumb creatures because God has granted us a mind that on a much higher plane than that of a sheep. It's not the sheep's fault and it is no credit to us. It is only because we are designed that way by our Creator. However, imagine that you were the shepherd of a flock of sheep and you look out and see a problem in your sheep. They keep making the same mistake but aren't getting anywhere. You have to go help them. I think that God uses the sheep and shepherd relationship because of how so many situations play out. The shepherding society of Bible times would have easily related to this comparison.
Another way people are like sheep is that they always follow the same path. In a sheep pasture you can often observe a path leading from the barn gate out into the open field. The sheep will walk the same path pretty much in a line out to the field where after a point they will begin to branch out to graze. In the evening they will follow this same path back to the barn. If you were to move the gate down the fence line during the day while they were out, when you call them back in the sheep will congregate where the other gate was and holler. Eventually they would find the new gate but to help them along you would need to guide them through the first time. They don't like change. Sheep might be dumb but they can be exploited in three different ways: their tendency to flock, absent-minded following of a feed bucket or hay cluster, and just general predictability.
The sheep at our house could be trusted after a certain period of time of getting used to one another to all follow a leader. So we could take one sheep, preferably the sheep who proves to be the lead or bossy sheep, and put it on a halter. All of the other sheep would follow and walk behind and around the lead sheep though they were not restricted in any way. I never ceased to be amazed by this. If you think about this, people do this too. They will just follow along with the crowd though they might not want to individually go that way.
Sheep are also very greedy. They will follow a feed bucket wherever it leads. They focus in on obtaining personal gain and forget about whatever trap they might be walking into. This can be easily used to move sheep from one pen to another or to load them on trailers and such.
Sheep are also very predictable. Like I said earlier they will follow the same routine every day for the rest of their life. They don't like to get out of their comfort zone. For our show sheep, yes I showed livestock :) , each of them needed a specific diet so we would have to separate them at feeding time. This could be easily achieved. Each of the sheep could be trained to enter into different little slots where they would receive their food. The sheep would eventually even stand behind the gate to their slot when they heard the feed being poured into their pans.
So if you are reading this and are like why in the world would I want to be compared to a sheep? That sounds so degrading! I think sheep have many positive qualities as well such as their complete abandonment for their shepherd. I think that they can also be respected for their simplicity of life. They truly have no other concerns other than their shepherd and their fellow flockmates. I also think that sheep were compared to humans because sheep cannot exist without a shepherd. Just as we cannot exist without our Shepherd. Goats can live on their own, but not sheep. I am of course limiting this to domesticated animals only. There are wild species of sheep but they are completely different than the domesticated sheep and goats that the Bible is referring to.
This is my little ramblings about sheep but I want to end with Scripture. There are many many verses about sheep, however my two favorites are Psalm 23 and John 10.
Honestly those two sets of Scripture could take up about ten blogs apiece. So, since I have already written such a long post I will keep it brief. In Psalm 23, David writes about how God provides for us in all these wonderful ways. In John 10, "the other disciple" writes about a parable Jesus told to the Pharisees and the Jews about the different people who care for sheep and how the Good Shepherd would lay down his life for the sheep. This is nine short chapters before Jesus is crucified.
I want to come back to these chapters and write about them more in detail.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqOoMwWNfMI&feature=related
So, thats all cute and all but we are in college why do we care about silly little kids songs.
This song has been perpetually stuck in my head since January when we sang it over and over in Haiti. Those kids absolutely loved this song. The French Creole word for sheep is mouton. The kids would yell mouton, mouton, mouton. Then we would sing the song again! We also acted out some Bible stories involving sheep. It was really fun and funny. At the end of each chorus we would yell "what do you want to be?" The resounding response was "MOUTON!!" By the end of the week the kids were seeming obsessed with sheep. When we did pipe cleaner Noah's Ark animals and of course nearly all the kids requested that a mouton be made for them. We made playdo animals and of course sheep again took center stage. I have no idea why they liked sheep so much. I didn't see a single sheep in Haiti; several goats wandered around, but no sheep. Maybe they wanted to make us happy because we kept talking about them and acting like them crawling around on the dirt floor bleating like sheep. I am sure it was quite a sight to see the parable of the lost sheep acted out.
I have always wondered though if the connection was made between sheep and people. In the Bible, people are continually related back to sheep. Having raised sheep for the past eleven, twelve years now, I can verify that people really are like sheep. And sheep are DUMB! Now, don't go getting all offended. A point that can be made here though is that we as humans can perceive them as dumb creatures because God has granted us a mind that on a much higher plane than that of a sheep. It's not the sheep's fault and it is no credit to us. It is only because we are designed that way by our Creator. However, imagine that you were the shepherd of a flock of sheep and you look out and see a problem in your sheep. They keep making the same mistake but aren't getting anywhere. You have to go help them. I think that God uses the sheep and shepherd relationship because of how so many situations play out. The shepherding society of Bible times would have easily related to this comparison.
Another way people are like sheep is that they always follow the same path. In a sheep pasture you can often observe a path leading from the barn gate out into the open field. The sheep will walk the same path pretty much in a line out to the field where after a point they will begin to branch out to graze. In the evening they will follow this same path back to the barn. If you were to move the gate down the fence line during the day while they were out, when you call them back in the sheep will congregate where the other gate was and holler. Eventually they would find the new gate but to help them along you would need to guide them through the first time. They don't like change. Sheep might be dumb but they can be exploited in three different ways: their tendency to flock, absent-minded following of a feed bucket or hay cluster, and just general predictability.
The sheep at our house could be trusted after a certain period of time of getting used to one another to all follow a leader. So we could take one sheep, preferably the sheep who proves to be the lead or bossy sheep, and put it on a halter. All of the other sheep would follow and walk behind and around the lead sheep though they were not restricted in any way. I never ceased to be amazed by this. If you think about this, people do this too. They will just follow along with the crowd though they might not want to individually go that way.
Sheep are also very greedy. They will follow a feed bucket wherever it leads. They focus in on obtaining personal gain and forget about whatever trap they might be walking into. This can be easily used to move sheep from one pen to another or to load them on trailers and such.
Sheep are also very predictable. Like I said earlier they will follow the same routine every day for the rest of their life. They don't like to get out of their comfort zone. For our show sheep, yes I showed livestock :) , each of them needed a specific diet so we would have to separate them at feeding time. This could be easily achieved. Each of the sheep could be trained to enter into different little slots where they would receive their food. The sheep would eventually even stand behind the gate to their slot when they heard the feed being poured into their pans.
So if you are reading this and are like why in the world would I want to be compared to a sheep? That sounds so degrading! I think sheep have many positive qualities as well such as their complete abandonment for their shepherd. I think that they can also be respected for their simplicity of life. They truly have no other concerns other than their shepherd and their fellow flockmates. I also think that sheep were compared to humans because sheep cannot exist without a shepherd. Just as we cannot exist without our Shepherd. Goats can live on their own, but not sheep. I am of course limiting this to domesticated animals only. There are wild species of sheep but they are completely different than the domesticated sheep and goats that the Bible is referring to.
This is my little ramblings about sheep but I want to end with Scripture. There are many many verses about sheep, however my two favorites are Psalm 23 and John 10.
Honestly those two sets of Scripture could take up about ten blogs apiece. So, since I have already written such a long post I will keep it brief. In Psalm 23, David writes about how God provides for us in all these wonderful ways. In John 10, "the other disciple" writes about a parable Jesus told to the Pharisees and the Jews about the different people who care for sheep and how the Good Shepherd would lay down his life for the sheep. This is nine short chapters before Jesus is crucified.
I want to come back to these chapters and write about them more in detail.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
A Journal Entry
So today while we were at church, I just felt compelled to write down what I was thinking and feeling at the moment and I wrote it in my journal. I want to share it with you!! Happy Easter!!
"Today is Easter!! I cannot think of a more exciting day. If we cannot get super pumped about today, then what are we doing?!? We have been saved from eternal death when we deserved nothing of the sort. Shame and utter despair for the rest of forever is where we would be without Christ our Savior. The people before Christ had to keep the Law or else they would have to offer sacrifices. Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. Today is the day of Resurrection. I for one am super excited about this. This semester especially but also this whole year I have been focusing on joy. This might be the single most joyful day of the year. It isn't my birthday because I am not that important. It is not Christmas, though it puts up a really significant bid. It is today - Easter. Because if it weren't for the Resurrection of Christ, we would still be living under the Judgement of the Law. We need this day more than any other. We are such great sinners. I know that if it were just up to me, I could not even have the strength to make it through the day. It is the joy of the Lord that gives me the strength and the hope to carry on.
" 'Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow.' "
"Today is Easter!! I cannot think of a more exciting day. If we cannot get super pumped about today, then what are we doing?!? We have been saved from eternal death when we deserved nothing of the sort. Shame and utter despair for the rest of forever is where we would be without Christ our Savior. The people before Christ had to keep the Law or else they would have to offer sacrifices. Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. Today is the day of Resurrection. I for one am super excited about this. This semester especially but also this whole year I have been focusing on joy. This might be the single most joyful day of the year. It isn't my birthday because I am not that important. It is not Christmas, though it puts up a really significant bid. It is today - Easter. Because if it weren't for the Resurrection of Christ, we would still be living under the Judgement of the Law. We need this day more than any other. We are such great sinners. I know that if it were just up to me, I could not even have the strength to make it through the day. It is the joy of the Lord that gives me the strength and the hope to carry on.
" 'Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow.' "
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Conquering Fears like Esther
Since coming to college, I have been able to do many things for the first time and especially things that I was afraid to do before. For instance, I learned that I could cook. I can't say that I can play softball very well but I have somehow found myself on the intramural team. I even scored a run last night which I celebrated with a lots of jumping, screaming and a victory dance no less! I have learned that I can be a kids person and that kids don't hate me after all. I have learned that I don't have to gain the freshmen fifteen or whatever that I can actually do the reverse and lose weight - twenty pounds last semester but who's counting? But seriously, I could go on forever on that. College has been amazing!
What reminded me of this is during our leadership interviews last night, one question asked during the group portion of the interviews they asked who was our favorite Bible character and why. I thought and thought and kept coming up blank. Then, I had an epiphany! Esther was awesome! She was in a situation of great danger and I know that she had to have had a decent amount of fear but she still stood up and ended up saving her entire nation! Now that is a woman I can admire! She had passion, determination, beauty and earned honor from her whole country.
So if I could conquer fears in the Godly way that Esther did then I would ultimately glorify God which is my ultimate goal.
"So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets"
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets"
Homeless and Urban Ministry
So, this past Monday night I went to a homeless shelter here in Athens with some of my friends from BCM. I had never had any experience with those that were homeless and I must admit the idea somewhat freaked me out. I also before this semester had never been on a mission trip to an urban area. I had always cavaliered out into the wild remote areas of Peru. In January I had the blessing to be a part of a mission trip to Haiti where I played with kids and did what can be best described as a Bible School, but this wasn't really too much different aside from being thrown into a French Creole world instead of Spanish. However, this past spring break I went to New Orleans which is very distinctly urban. I will have to admit I was apprehensive of the thought. I had no idea what to think about it all. How would I fit in? I had always thought I belonged in a very rural place much like where I grew up which is ten miles outside of a town with four red lights and then you turn to go three miles down a dirt road and you get the picture. I am from the boonies! So, I didn't want anything to do with eight lane highways and concrete jungles. But, as I have recently learned, that might not be so bad. These are God's people too. They need love just like the other people. Which brings me back to this past week where I found myself sitting talking to these men who were if only for this short part of their life, homeless. I so much enjoyed listening to their stories and what they enjoyed. What surprised me was their joy for life; they weren't a morose crowd! So this was just another affirmation from God that He had it under control. Because honestly I wouldn't have thought to myself, Hey! I want to go to the homeless shelter today. It was because while I was busy studying away and writing my term paper a friend of mine told me I needed to go that it would be awesome. It wasn't like it would take too much time anyways. So, I went and I am so glad I did! It was a new perspective on life that I had been avoiding.
God has it all under control and I am just a faithful follower listening for my next step. And my next step is serving in the inner city of Houston which is one of the largest cities in the country. Never thought I would end up there, but its going to be amazing!
"There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning!"
God has it all under control and I am just a faithful follower listening for my next step. And my next step is serving in the inner city of Houston which is one of the largest cities in the country. Never thought I would end up there, but its going to be amazing!
"There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning!"
Love Languages
I had thought to write about Love Languages because of having this conversation with more than one person in the last week. I am sure many of you have heard of the Five Love Languages which is a book written by Gary Chapman. I think that it is such an applicable idea that he has. Basically he says that a person experiences love in five different ways: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and acts of service. So the thought is basically that a person feels most loved when they are shown love in a certain way and if they are shown in a different way it might not mean as much.
I can personally say that I can look back on my life and tell where this has come into play. I feel like I refer back to my dad a lot but I also think it is easy to relate a relationship with a father to a relationship with God. However, I am very certain that my dad is an acts of service man. He is always working, providing, and doing things for our family. However, I am a physical touch person. So, I would always get frustrated when I was younger that my daddy wouldn't walk up and give me a hug. Why was he washing my car for me or changing the oil when all I wanted was a hug? It was years later, gosh sometimes I feel so old!, that I realized that he was loving me! He was doing all these things for me that I needed or that would make my life easier. He would say that I needed to contribute more to the family and do some work around the house and farm. I guess that would prove my love. So, it was a misunderstanding for years that left us, it could be any relationship you might have, wanting more from the other.
So now that I have realized this, I try to when I am home to go out with him and cut the grass or help drag fallen trees out of the pond with the tractor. He has realized I think that when I see him all I want is a really long and tight bear hug with a kiss. We both are sinful humans and fail each the other often.
So I challenge you to find out your love language and try to see what your friends are as well. If you put others above yourself, then this could be a direct way to show them how much you are glad that they are your friend. So on that note, I would absolutely love it if you all would tell me about yourself so that I can know how you feel most loved because that is what I want to do, LOVE PEOPLE!
I will let you know how I rank in case you are interested:
1. Physical Touch - 10
2. Quality Time - 9
3. Words of Affirmation - 7
4. Acts of Service - 3
5. Receiving Gifts - 1
If you want to take a quick online assesment then I recommend:
I want to hear back from you guys!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Super Short ADD Post
So I wanted to write a super short ADD version of a post with a promise to write a longer one after I turn in my term paper on Thursday. Well the thing is I just wanted to say thank you to all my friends who have been such a blessing to my life. Y'all are amazing. Also to those super cool people who I have always wanted to be good friends with but it hasn't worked out YET. You may not believe it but there are some people who intimidate me with their coolness but I say that make a short mention that you never know who is watching you. I know that there are different people that I watch, not in a creepy way of course!, and they usually are upperclassmen sometimes not, but I watch them because I look up to them. They probably don't know it but I respect them a lot. It is scary to think that someone might be watching me.
What will they see?
What will they see?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Trusting Joy
When I was growing up the four of us, my dad, my mom, my sister and I, when we were leaving church we would always go out to eat after church. It was always a big discussion where we were going to eat. Many times we didn't agree and so often my dad would just choose. Often he wouldn't tell us where we were going. He would say just trust me and when you get there you will know where we are going. This never satisfied me. I wanted to know. I told him this too. He said what difference would it make if you knew? It's not like its going to change where we are going. I told him I would be happier if I knew even if it wasn't my favorite place I would be happier about going there if I knew we were going there. He would always answer that I needed to learn to trust my Daddy that he would pick out a good place even if it wasn't where I had wanted to go. If I didn't like it there, then I should still be thankful that we were able to afford to go out to eat. We didn't have to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the house (not that there is anything wrong with that at all...).
My problem was that I didn't trust my Daddy. I thought I knew better than he did. I thought I could handle it better than him. Because I didn't trust him, I wasn't happy. Another problem was entitlement. I thought I was entitled to know. I thought I deserved to know. Furthermore, I thought I deserved a certain level of eating establishment.
This may sound really silly but I think that it can be easily related to the Spiritual relationship with God.
I know many times I have this grand life plan that outlines my life for the next ten years or so of things that I want to accomplish. Don't get me wrong they are all wonderful things: missions, graduate school, volunteering, and generally taking on the world. However, sometimes I get rather concrete in my confidence level that something is going to happen a certain way. I get really excited about my plan and then I just have this vision in my head of how it is all going to work out and everyone is going to live happily ever after.
However, I take those little hints from God about the huge plan he has and just elaborate and make up the whole rest of it on my own. I think the problem is I don't like there not being an exact plan.
I am a planner. I like to plan things. I love lists and having an idea what is going on. I think it is sometimes because I think I can do a better job planning than whatever is the current state. However, how can you have a better plan than God's? I don't think that's possible. So, when I try to plan without God then, I am thinking that I am better than God and that is a problem.
But that brings me to a little snippet of Scripture that I have been thinking about.
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1 TNIV
So I looked up some antonyms and synonyms of joy and I found that doubt and trouble were antonyms while trust and happiness were synonyms. Therefore we can have joy by trusting in God. He has it all under control. We don't have to doubt Him or let our hearts be troubled.
Trusting in God results in joy!
My problem was that I didn't trust my Daddy. I thought I knew better than he did. I thought I could handle it better than him. Because I didn't trust him, I wasn't happy. Another problem was entitlement. I thought I was entitled to know. I thought I deserved to know. Furthermore, I thought I deserved a certain level of eating establishment.
This may sound really silly but I think that it can be easily related to the Spiritual relationship with God.
I know many times I have this grand life plan that outlines my life for the next ten years or so of things that I want to accomplish. Don't get me wrong they are all wonderful things: missions, graduate school, volunteering, and generally taking on the world. However, sometimes I get rather concrete in my confidence level that something is going to happen a certain way. I get really excited about my plan and then I just have this vision in my head of how it is all going to work out and everyone is going to live happily ever after.
However, I take those little hints from God about the huge plan he has and just elaborate and make up the whole rest of it on my own. I think the problem is I don't like there not being an exact plan.
I am a planner. I like to plan things. I love lists and having an idea what is going on. I think it is sometimes because I think I can do a better job planning than whatever is the current state. However, how can you have a better plan than God's? I don't think that's possible. So, when I try to plan without God then, I am thinking that I am better than God and that is a problem.
But that brings me to a little snippet of Scripture that I have been thinking about.
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1 TNIV
So I looked up some antonyms and synonyms of joy and I found that doubt and trouble were antonyms while trust and happiness were synonyms. Therefore we can have joy by trusting in God. He has it all under control. We don't have to doubt Him or let our hearts be troubled.
Trusting in God results in joy!
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