The Battle Against Apathy

Definition of APATHY
1
: lack of feeling or emotion : impassiveness
2
: lack of interest or concern : indifference

So I copied that directly from the Merriam Webster online dictionary to get a direct concise meaning of the word.

For the past month, I have been battling apathy. It has shown up in my academics, my relationships and lifestyle. However, this has been especially true with my schoolwork. All through school, I found my identity in academic things. Being rather uncoordinated, I was teased off of athletic teams. Being overweight, which was probably a result of not doing any athletics, I didn't fit into the shopaholic, Daddy's Little Princess group. I never really felt that I was good at too much, but I could make the grades. So instead of trying to do a general improvement on my life, I decided to focus on the one thing I could do: school. So for the longest time, I put my self worth on being the best at school. I found no value in doing my best, I had to be the best. Being from a small town, being the best at something had greater odds and less competition. So that rocked on for years and then I came to college. So last semester, I somehow by only the grace of God managed to get all As and A-s. I have no idea honestly. Then there was this semester. I can say with nearly undeniable certainty and a week or so left in the semester that things are going to change. Classes have been harder and I took seventeen hours. Such a bad decision! I started realizing things were going downhill about a month ago right before we had spring break. Then, we went on spring break and I got to be a part of one of the things that I love the most in this world: missions. I remember thinking to myself, not entirely serious but not entirely hypothetical either, that I wish I could just quit college and be a missionary. I told one of my friends this and he said "Jessica, I have that same thought a thousand times. However, in the end I have to remind myself that I can help people so much more with the education that I am working towards." I knew he was right and I don't think I could live with myself if I actually followed through with that. However, I still didn't have joy about it. Then, I had to deal with running out of my ADD/ADHD medicine. That was a nightmare because in the period of time that I was without medicine I had to write a fifteen page paper to write and two tests. I failed the two tests and have yet to hear back on the paper. Luckily one of the tests had a curve that pushed it barely above passing. These failings led me further into my apathy. I became more and more upset though I had learned through the years to not let my negative emotions show. I felt more and more despair that what I had treasured so highly was slipping away. This past Sunday, I was in my home church. I would be asked how school was going and I often replied "It's going!" However, each time these well meaning people asked about my accomplishments I felt a chink falling out of my spirit and my pride being shattered. I could not say I was doing well. You may be reading this and think it silly how strong my emotions are on the matter but think about what you identify yourself as. If it is not with Jesus, then it can be taken away. Depending on how tightly you are holding on to whatever it is the more heartbreaking it can be to have it gone. After the service yesterday, Easter, I was talking to my pastor. I told him the rough time that I have been having and he said "You know what? At the end of the day, at the end of the semester, Jessica, Jesus is still savingly risen. That is what matters." I think that those words will stick with me for a very long time. Because while school is very important, it is not the most important thing. So as we move into finals week, my goal is to focus on glorifying the Risen King. I will do my part and trust in Him for the rest.