Breaking Pride

One of the biggest things that I struggle against in my life is pride. It infiltrates into every part of my life. It is based on insecurities and my unwillingness to have these weaknesses exposed to the world. This has been such a controlling theme in my life for a very long time that it has without a question shaped the path I follow and the person I am. 
What I mean by that is this. I have long fought insecurities of many different kinds. I did not want to be seen failing at something. I for some reason felt that whatever I do, I should do it very well. If I was really honest, I waned to be the best at whatever that was. If I wasn't good at something right away then I would scrap that whatever that was. I often compared my status to others. 
My little sister is a wonderful athlete. She can usually play any sport and be competitive at it. The only sport two sports I ever played were basketball and rifles. Brittany is good at basketball. This year, her senior year of high school, she decided to go out for the basketball team. She had never played on a school team before yet she started in the first game! When we began shooting rifles, she was eight and I was ten. She easily outshot me right from the start. It took me four years to make it to the level of shooting it took her six weeks to attain. We did end up being on the same team going to the international competition so I am glad we got to share that experience with her. I did not really find joy back then in what I did because I was not the best. She was. I hated it. It hurt my pride deeply. I was older. She was the baby. She beat me. I didn't like that. 
Neither, Brittany nor I are musicians though we did play the trumpet back in middle school. We did for a period time take guitar lessons, but neither of us stuck with that either. However, in her class, she was in the top two or three chairs while in my class I was last in mine. I couldn't even clap on beat. I wasn't succeeding once again. I wasn't the best and I quit that too. 
Brittany and I also showed livestock. Brittany won more awards. I have three trophies and she has over fifty. 
Sometimes, the battle in my head  wasn't with my sister. But it was always someone or some ideal I had that I must live up to. In all reality it had nothing to do with her specifically. She was and is the person that I am closest to. 
I limited things that I didn't think I would succeed with and didn't give them a shot. I did not want to embarrass myself. I didn't want to be seen making a mistake. I never attempted sports. I didn't dance. I didn't learn a foreign language. I did not try to play music.
For that matter, because I could not master music, I didn't want anything to do with it. I hated it. I didn't listen to music hardly ever.   This was the same with art. I was a terrible artist so I didn't like art. 
I did not want to work for anything. 
There was one thing that I did do well. School. I could do that very well without putting that much effort into it. I was that kid who was heartbroken by a 95 and asked to take the test again. As with everything, I expected to be the best at this. I fully intended to be the valedictorian. I was Salutatorian. Was I happy about it? Absolutely not. I wasn't the best. I was second. Again. I will remember my mom's words to me forever. She told me, "Jessie darlin, you have done better than anybody in this family has ever done. Neither your dad nor I could have been close to being Salutatorian but here you are. You did a good job. You did your best. That is enough." 
I mulled that thought over and over and over again in my head. My best had to be enough. I hadn't cared if I was doing my best. I simply wanted to be the best. 
When I came to college, I had a lot of people pouring into me and it was a very wonderful thing. I grew a lot spiritually. I came upon the realization that I will never be enough by myself. I needed Jesus to complete me and to bring whatever I was doing to fulfillment. That was a very humbling thing. It opened up my world to a whole new range of things that I didn't have to be afraid to do. I remember when my friends talked me into going swing dancing and then to ballroom dancing. I ended up loving it though I made a bunch of mistakes at first. I even played on the Intramural softball team in the spring. I was terrified of athletic things. I was absolutely awful at it. The most embarrassing moment of my life thus far happened out there on that softball field. Will I play again? Probably. (If they will have me.) 
This year I finally took a foreign language class I have been dying to take and succeeded. It has been a serious mental break through that is still fragile but it is out of its shell nonetheless. One of these days I might even conquer some kind of running or biking event though the thought scares me silly.  
That is what this whole process has become. Breaking fears and learning to stand up by the grace of God. I realize now that I will fail and that doesn't make whatever happened okay but I know that I have a God that loves me and is there for me even if no one else were. Praise the Lord though that there are so many people who stand behind me and and support me. I wish I had realized this earlier. However, the Lord has taught me many things that I might not have learned without going through such pain. It has taken a lot of breaking pride to get me to this point along the journey. I have a long way to go but at least I have a much more optimistic and joyful outlook. 
Oh, my sister is going to be the valedictorian of her class and I couldn't be more proud. Love you little bit!