Rolling in the Deep

My outlook and life plan looked very different in April 2012. I was ecstatic about a summer internship in the jungles of Ecuador where I would learn about traditional agriculture in tropical conditions. I was going to perfect my Spanish and as soon as I got home I was going to sign up for the Journeyman program through the International Mission Board. It was going to be awesome. Plans I had dreamed about for years were finally falling into place. I just knew my life was going to be awesome. I was going to be that cool missionary that visited the churches back with all the stories about miracles and big faith delivered moments.
Then, I left for Ecuador. I was miserable. I was deathly sick. I was allergic to mosquitoes. But that wasn't even the worst part. It might seem crazy but the worst part was all the wonderful people I met. Now, hear me out. I love those people and I still talk to them pretty often via Facebook..
The reason it was so awful was that these people were not your hardcore, drug addicted, crime spree sinners. These were people that were normal, compassionate people. The only thing was they weren't Christians. My world was completely rocked.
This is because as hard as it is to admit, I believed that the reason to become a Christian is so that you become a better person. Christianity makes people do life better. You do good things to make God happy. To a larger extent than I care to admit, I was a Christian because I was afraid of going to hell. I had arrived at "good" status because of my faith. That was what I thought.
But these people were good and they didn't have Jesus. So, how could I tell them they needed Jesus. Their lives didn't really reflect that chasm of need for a Savior. How did I react? I got really really really depressed. I questioned my faith. Was God even real? Was this something I had made up in my mind to explain the things I didn't understand? Did God even care what went on in my life?
How could I become a missionary if I wasn't even sure where I stood with God? Was there even a need for missionaries? Did God really need me? Did He even want me? If He wanted/loved/needed me then how could I know what He wanted from me/for me?
This uncertainty was paralyzing. I came home from Ecuador wrecked emotionally and spiritually. I seriously contemplated taking  my life because once saved always saved right? John 10:29, I said.
I went back to college in August for my senior. The fact that I had no life plan was excruciating for a left brain person like myself. I was floating along all accidental like on breeze as Forrest Gump would say. I was terrified of moving back home with my parents after college. (I eventually did and it wasn't that bad.)
Luckily I had a lot of great people that gave me free therapy and counseling. It took a while to deprogram and realize that no body is good enough to not need Jesus. There is nothing you can do that will get you to heaven. I can tell people about Jesus because I am broken too. Not to quote High School Musical but we're all in this together everyone. Now the song is stuck in your head.
When I finally internalized this, I experienced such freedom. I wasn't ready to move on to the next step for my life until the middle of this past October. I had been healing and fortifying myself for those eighteen months.
Wouldn't you know something though.October 23. About a week after I said okay God let's do this, I don't know what "this" is but I am ready now. (He knew I was ready, but He was waiting my hard head to get it)
October 23. I get a phone call and an email asking me to interview for this position the next day. I said sure why not tomorrow is Bold Thursday after all. So, I took the interview. I got the job. I moved ten days later to Nashville, Tennessee - a town I had never been to before. I didn't have a home, I didn't know anyone there. I just showed up and all of the blessings that rained down since then deserve their own blog.

 But let me tell you this. God has made it very evident that He loves me. He needs me. He wants me. He is real. He cares. I am supposed to be where I am at right now.